| Written by Diana, on 11-09-2000 23:46 |
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For the past hour I have wanted to cry (or rather been almost forced to tears). It has taken all my strength not to. I even had to stop playing games on the computer because I was having trouble focusing on them. I didn't want to stay here tonight--or ever. I just can't take the stress. The last hour has been consumed by a full-blown anxiety attack but in being here, I have not the tools to cut so I did not want to take my last two Ativan to help me sleep.
I'm not sure what tomorrow holds but I do know one thing--having realized the seriousness of my English paper, I have lost all faith in myself to write an organized essay. I lie here on my bed concentrating on every breath I take so as not to let my eyes fill with tears. In viewing my poster of outer space ("To Boldly Go...") I begin to long for a certain amount of independence. But being the youngest of two daughters, I have lost this in just being. I look at stars and wish to be on them. I ache for it. My mind is weary from doubt and stress. The pressures that lie ahead have forced me into hiding. I must go see grouchy Dr. H Thursday and I dread it like I dread a root canal. I am surrounded by the happiest place on earth--a part of my past I wish to never remember, yet I have no say in that matter. I feel like a prisoner when I am not. I feel pushed aside when really I've been pulled closer. I have this incredible need to sleep but I fear if I don't keep my mind in constant rotation, then I will cry. I've never spent a night here alone but what would happen if I did? I would have no reason to keep my defenses up--except for my own need to keep my dignity in all areas--war and peace. But especially war for I have no other way of defending myself against those around me. I feel this day was filled with idle ramble and questions I could not answer. It was my own fault of course, I was worried over miner entanglements. My comfort level dropped to negative digits today for an unknown reason. I also hold the burden of a constant throbbing headache which I must conjure up the strength to endure. I listen to my life in a nutshell through earphones which has granted me a certain amount of comfort.
Last update: 28-11-2006 22:02
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