| Written by Diana, on 23-09-2000 23:00 |
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I can't sit still for two seconds without wanting to cut. I have to keep moving at all costs. So much is running through my mind that I can't sit still without it coming up.
Why do I cut? Because it's better than everything else. And no, it doesn't hurt. If I sit still for more than a minute, then the depression starts to set in...and I fall down again.
This is why I am so fidgety all the time. Weekends are so hard for me because I can't find enough things to do to fill my day. So I spend my day 1. trying to see how long I can go without eating anything and 2. using all my strength to keep moving. Because the consequences of sitting still are too great. I think that sometimes I cut to keep moving. Because at that time I have spent my day being too idle and I've had enough. It just hits me-I can tell three hours beforehand if I'm going to cut. And there's nothing I can do about it-but I feel like I can't breathe. I don't want to let you down. But I can't call you either like you told me to. I wish I could. I also feel like I want to go to sleep and never wake up..if you know what I mean. And I try so hard not to cut but after all that trying, everything building up in my head, I just want to slit my wrists. That's why I prefer to just cut when I need to-because it stops all the feelings in their tracks. When I wait so long, everything just gets worse and worse until even cutting won't make it go away. My mother asked me the other day if this was all worth it. I just thought if I didn't come here I'd have no reason not to cut. Absolutely none. I suddenly realized while trying to write a poem today that I've said all there is to say. I had the worst dream last night (9-23). Besides all that happened in it, at one point I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger-twice. This life that goes on in my head is starting to become more real than ever. And it's scaring me. Sometimes I sleep in the middle of the day to keep from cutting but it gets to a point where my mother won't let me sleep any longer. I need her to know why I'm sleeping but I can't tell her. I can't tell her that it's sleep or cut. I'm not even sure she knows I'm still cutting. And it makes it even harder to keep from cutting when she tells me I can't sleep anymore. It makes me want to cut even more and then it's so hard that it's almost impossible for me to keep from cutting.
Last update: 28-11-2006 22:05
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