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This is a letter I wrote to my parents during the week of October 14, 2002 asking them to allow me to enter an eating disorders treatment center. Mom and Dad, I know I really haven't told you much about my eating disorder, but I think it's about time I did. I started having trouble with food around sophomore year for different reasons. I was having a really hard time being around everyone and like every other high school girl was having body image issues but I was also coming home from school and eating everything I possibly could because there's a feeling of safety, of being unwanted, that goes along with being unattractive and overweight. I didn't feel safe at school or anywhere else. That went on through senior year when I reached 150lbs and still didn't feel safe and at the same time I was having problems with body image. I couldn't even control what I ate anymore because I had to eat everything. Somehow, I needed to feel safe to be able to live in the dorms. That's when I decided to go vegetarian and then I ate only fat free foods, to control some of my eating. When I started to lose weight and got obsessed with the foods I DIDN'T eat, I couldn't stop and by my first semester at Oxy I felt like I didn't have control of anything except what went in my mouth, so I was eating only what was absolutely necessary. By Christmas I had lost 30lbs and I had no plans to stop, the truth is I couldn't have if I had wanted to. Second semester the reason things got so bad is because I was feeling so awful, but I was losing weight so it didn't matter. Because I wasn't eating I couldn't concentrate on my studies, my hair was falling out, I was always cold, and I don't know how I managed to stay on Ren's back when I rode. In March I had discovered that I could eat anything if I then went and threw it up so the little I did eat, didn't stay in me long enough to provide any nutrients. By April when I went inpatient I'm told my face was very unhealthy and gray, and my teeth were getting transparent. I could hardly stand up without feeling like I was going to faint, or write anything because I was shaking so bad. It even got to the point where I wasn't even willing to drink water. I had lost over 40lbs by then but when I looked in the mirror I saw the same figure that weighed 150lbs just a year earlier. When I got out of the hospital and came home with nothing to do I didn't have the control to continue starving myself. I started binge eating again and gained back almost all the weight I had lost, in half the time. For the semester where I was actually succeeding at PCC, I was going back and forth between getting better, which to me meant being overweight, or staying sick. I was taking at least three NoDoz every day to make sure I lost as many calories as I could; you burn more calories when you're awake and wired than when you're worn out or sleeping. When I started summer school I was convinced that I was going to lose weight, a lot of weight to where I would be emaciated, and safe. I started taking Xenadrine with ephedrine in it which has been known to cause stroke and heart attack in otherwise healthy people. I was taking almost twice the recommended or safe dose every day along with large amounts of caffeine which even increases the risk. After going back and forth with Mark he finally told me that we've put so much into this friendship that he'd rather part ways now than have to deal with losing me down the road because of my illness. I decided to flush the rest of the Xenadrine. But I had lost weight, energy, my concentration so at school I could hardly understand what the professor was saying and when I was studying I couldn't understand what I was reading. For some reason I couldn't control my eating anymore so I was bingeing and taking anywhere from 5-7 times the recommended dose of laxatives. When I could starve myself again I stopped the laxatives but I lost more weight and my hair started falling out again. Now, because I'm not eating, I wake up in the morning and my entire body hurts and it never goes away. I don't know how to explain except to say that I think my body's finally protesting my use of it. A couple weeks ago Michelle had me put together a list of things that I've lost, am losing, and will lose in the future if I continue starving myself and although there were benefits, I can't stand thinking that I won't have certain things in my future like any of the goals I've set for myself, and a family of my own which concerns me even now because my period has almost stopped. I can't even manage to take care of myself much less someone else down the line. For a long time I couldn't see this body as anything more than a broken appendage that had to be removed. I'm still having trouble with that one but I don't see it quite the same way anymore. But if I continue doing what I am, I'm going to be in and out of hospitals and therapy for the rest of my life, however long or short that happens to be. It's time I get serious and do all I can to get better which means going away to an eating disorder treatment center before I have a chance to hurt myself any more than I already have. If I don't go now, it's just going to be wasted time until I do because there's no way I can do this on my own, at home with triggers everywhere, without someone to interrupt my irrational thoughts, tell me when and what to eat and how much. And I need to be around people who take me seriously, all the time, and who understand why it's so hard for me to eat an apple. I understand that this might be a lot of money, when you guys are going on vacation and Christmas is coming up, and now the dog,. You've offered to buy me a new camera and computer, and that air conditioner for my room, but this is all I really want for the many birthdays and Christmases I still hope to have. I'm not getting anywhere in partial anymore but I can't leave there unless it's to an eating disorder program, and unless I do this it's going to be very difficult to have a successful, productive future. The programs don't just teach you how to eat but how to live life. It's a long and very difficult program, but I'm hoping that when I come out on the other side I'll be more capable of taking classes and getting a job. I'd like the opportunity to be on my own and the way things are going now I don't see that in my future. This is also something the program is capable of helping me with. I've done the research on facilities and found out what I could on costs but that's something that you would have to look into further. They take most insurance, or most insurance will reimburse some of the costs but I don't know much beyond that. I talked to someone at one of the treatment centers that I looked at and she seems very willing to help with anything. I know this isn't an easy decision but it's also not something I can sit on for too long because there won't be any openings, all of them have wait-lists and I'm concerned they'll be full for an extended period of time. The programs that I've been looking at each have only six beds. I've only been looking the past five days and I'm already concerned they'll be full. Also, I have requested information from both of these programs if you would like to read more about them. Now that I've said all this, I hope you can understand the importance for me to conquer these seemingly insurmountable challenges in my life. Last update: 02-01-2007 22:30
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