| Written by Diana, on 27-07-2002 14:48 |
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Started July 26, 2002. to me, it seems terribly narccisistic of me to keep this section updated but as mentioned in this evening's journal entry, i can't risk allowing my mind to rest. and unfortunately, until my meds kick in i've nothing else to do short of whacking myself over the head with a baseball bat. so, i guess i'll just do another (more truthful) overview of who i am and why i'm sitting here day after day pretending to give a crap...
for the sake of time, the reality is i've pretty much forgotten my childhood, though if i had to compare to my life today, i might as well assume it's all going to hell. according to photographs and home videos i had a model childhood and nothing less. about seventh or eighth grade i began to pull away from my social commitments, i was (slightly) less outgoing...this may have had something to do with the fact that my father started commuting twice weekly from home to his work, living in our condo so i only saw him on weekends. i looked up to him in a major way and that loss was slightly less than devastating. freshman year of high school, Octover 11, 1996 to be exact, my world turned upside-down. I was raped. to make matters worse, i had had a crush on this guy. from there, i held on tight to my secret. i retreated from all things social, and i dove into school and my horseback riding head first. i think the only thing i remember about high school is chaos. i was always studying, jumping from one group of friends to another, pushing my riding, like if i paused to consider what it all meant, i might very well have gone mad. it was the only way i could keep it together enough to keep my secret. i was scared to death to tell anyone and i think i sincerely though i had no reason to. hell, i was doing better in my school work after the fact than i had in my entire life. i couldn't find a good enough reason to give that up. the only thing was i was bingeing most days after school, trying despirately to ruin any chance of anyone ever finding me attractive. surely only beautiful people get raped, not that i ever thought i was beautiful in the first place. senior year, with high school almost behind me and the prospects of dorm life weighing heavily on my trust in people, somewhere along the way i snapped. i had been accepted to Occidental College early decision, i was Varsity Jumper Reserve Champion and received a Varsity letter and fourth year award for my participation in the equestrian team, I was anticipating advanced placement tests, i was going to graduate with honors, with a service learning award, the list goes on. i had the chance to start over at a new school with new people and somewhere in this mess of worry and anticipation, i lost control. in may of 2000 i started cutting and stopped eating in an attempt to get my life back in "order" before I left for college, along the way i realized eating wasn't giving me the desired effect so being emaciated was my last option. of course i'm a terrible liar and my parents are nosey as hell. i ended up in therapy almost immediately and it all began. i left Occidental in April 2001 and entered the hospital two weeks later with "suicidal and homicidal ideology, cutting on the arms and legs, and anorexic traits," weighing in at 110lbs and falling fast. I stayed 18 days. The next fall, after a break, i started back to school (technically) at the local community college. I took a night poetry class and then two more that spring, Calculus 2 and Java. I attempted a social anxiety disorder group January 12th 2002 but after telling my "secret" for the very first time in five years later that month, group seemed an idle threat to my safety and I was forced to leave. in May this year, after completing my classes, time to sit and think landed me back in the hospital and then in partial long term. I started another class July 8th and am somehow getting by. I'm spending most of my free time at the hospital in group therapy, home only enough each day to study for school. I've been diagnosed with major depression, PTSD, severe anorexia, social phobia, and, if you want to call this a diagnosis, self-injurious behaviors. I have signs of OCD and agoraphobia as well. I've been currently "active" in my eating disorder, meaning starving, seven straight days and have lost seven pounds. if i have any say in it i won't be stopping until i'm hospitalized with a tube down my nose. to me that's the only way i'll be safe. and that's about as up to date as i get. you can read through the others or my journal if you really want to know more but this is probably more than adequate. Finished July 27, 2002 at 1:48pm
Last update: 27-07-2002 14:48
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