| Written by Diana, on 31-12-2000 00:25 |
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There are so many sites out there dedicated to self injury, self harm, and self mutilation. Have these people stopped to think what these two words mean to them? To me, mutilation and harm do not reflect the meaning of cutting (my form of SI). I cannot say I would use self injury either though because to me, injuring myself is not the goal. I do not do this to injure myself, I do it to take a giant leap back into reality. It calms me down. I call it SI just like Kentucky Fried Chicken is now called KFC...It's not REAL chicken! I don't consider the injury so why call it self injury? SI will have to do for lack of a better term...
It has been a while since I cut last (two months maybe). I don't recall the date, though I have it in my calendar. I do not desire to look it up. I find no pleasure in knowing that I haven't cut for X many days. Why is this? I have no desire to stop. No one seems to understand this. I don't see what the big deal is...well...I guess I WISH it weren't such a big deal. I would jump at the chance to start again. If I didn't have to see that look on my therapist's face when I've told her I cut.
I know many people out there choose to display their name all over their website but this is something I can't (in my RIGHT mind) do. It is my hope that my friends and family know as little about this as possible. It's my life and I don't need them interfering. Though I don't enjoy keeping secrets, this one is much more than that. It is part of who I am. I say part because I do not center my life around my problems. I center my life around my talents and my problems get included. For instance, I enjoy computers which led me to writing version 1.0 of this site and just recently this version (2.0). Sometimes though, this site causes me problems. It is triggering for me. I try to write what's in my head and it just comes out as words. There's no thought to them. I feel this way tonight. I wrote a poem this evening but it wasn't enough.
I've wanted to cry for the past three or four hours but I have to hold it back. I can't let them know I'm in pain.
I've come up with some ideas for New Years resolutions: I want to believe this thing I do is wrong. I know it is but I just can't get it into my head and it troubles me. Right now I find it more wrong to just sit back and suffer. I want so badly to suffer less and this is the only way I know how. I also want to get over my social phobia. It hurts so much to have to sit back and watch. I want to be there, make friends, be normal for once. I've never just had a friendship that lasted for years. I envy people terribly who have these long-lasting friendships. I've never had that before. Anyone I've ever considered my friend has left me.
Last update: 28-11-2006 22:45
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