| Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes. |
| February '02 - Sixth Edition |
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I can remember ever since before I started pre-school my mother used to leave me with this woman who slept the whole time. my mother would come home in the middle of the day to this woman sleeping and me in my room, also sleeping because i had nothing else to do. My mother's incapable of firing people so I was stuck with that. That personality is the reason for a lot of my intolerance for her. I was terribly shy when I was little. Everyone thought that was so cute and loved to pat me on head. I grew up with everyone saying I was shy so no one got to know me any other way and I started to resent every person who ever called me that. "This is [Bela], she's shy." There are only a couple things I remember about grade school. I remember looking for houses in Boston at the end of January, fifth grade, quitting the flute just beofre moving up to first chair, and my first C. Worry, disappointment, and failure. In middle school I learned about popularity, and cruelty. I learned that to be popular you had to be perfect, and if you were popular you dispenced cruelty and if you weren't, you received it. There weren't many exceptions. I wasn't a scholar because it was the last place in the world I wanted to be and no one expected greatness. High school...*takes a deap breath* Being ***** a month into it, taught me that my words and feelings didn't mean a whole lot. I resented my mother for my not being able to tell her and the public school system for creating the environment in which it happened. Being popular and having friends only cemented the idea that my words didn't matter, so I gave up on the pursuit. I started hanging out with anyone and everyone to ensure I would never be alone, and I never looked for friendships. I poured myself into my studies to try to forget and lost myself. Riding turned into the same thing, a necessity rather than something fun. The lack of encouragement I got at shows made it that much more important to do well and it turned into a game of "well I'll show you." The rest of high school pretty much played out that way--with me trying to upstage everyone. I did relatively okay for a while pretending nothing had happened. When I started thinking about college I had mixed feelings. I was anxious to start over and put high school behind me but I was also afraid. I wouldn't have the safety of crowds that I was used to and the competitive part of school was in finishing, rather than the day-to-day. The day before my first A.P. test was when I started to feel the pressure for the first time. Cutting seemed like a quick and easy solution. It was evident I had lost control when my parents found out. I simultaneously decided to stop eating. Eating never made me feel better so maybe not eating would. Having this new secret helped a little but not enough. But I wasn't going to give up on it. Our last family vacation put the idea in my head that everyone wanted me to be cured now and anything less was unexceptable. It didn't seem to matter so much why i did these things, jsut that i stopped...immediatly. i was happy for about a day in the dorms when a guy from downstairs wanted to come in my room while my whole building was at orientation and I panicked. Living there was never the same. When I wasn't at school I was at home studying and it got easier and easier not to eat. Seeing everyone at x-mas was overwhelming and just made me want to show everyone that I could do this, that I was stronger than this. everything got worse from there but it was okay because I wasn't eating. I was in control for once. --The Hospital-- Many months later I was starting to understand why I needed to leave school though I'm not sure I'll ever be okay with it. Being online trying to help each other stay sick made me stop and think, but that's as far as I've gotten for now. Finished 02-19-02 Last update: 19-02-2002 23:00
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