| Written by Diana, on 03-01-2001 23:00 |
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Clinical Depression. Depression is a funny thing. It comes and goes with no warning, sometimes staying away for extended periods of time and other times attacking you in such a way that it consumes your entire body and soul. It depicts how you live your life. Sometimes medication works and some days it seems useless to take it. It darkens the most beautiful aspects of life. It alienates you from friends and family. I could go on forever like this. Depression takes your hope and chucks it out the moving car door...
This car is headed right through that porthole into hell. And your only options are 1, jump out (which would be immensely painful no matter what meets you on that open road), 2. You can stay in the car and follow it right down into Hell. Immense pain for an incalculable period of time, death. Pain, death. Uh death please.<br><br>Depression doesn't consume me as often as my social phobia has. I structure my life around it. I couldn't explain my fear to many people and have them understand though they are all confused as to why I would rather spend my days and nights in my room with the door locked. It's safer in there. The only people around are those on the internet and they seem to want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. Besides you all are a world away. I'll never meet you, no harm in expressing my feelings or telling you all things I would only tell my therapist. My parents and sister will never read this website. They will never know the details of what goes on in my head. They'd hospitalize me for sure.<br><br>If I don't cut then I suffer agonizing pain which is all in my head. It's me who has to live with the scars but the scars are those things saying "look at what I'm doing and there's nothing you can do to stop me." They take that pain and bring it all on the outside where it doesn't hurt so much. It's gone in as much time as it takes me to run a razor blade across my arm.<br><br>I sit here writing today because I have mistakenly have taken that car whizzing into hell. I haven't found the courage yet to take that leap onto the moving asphalt. I am all alone today and have no one to turn to. My family's gone and all I have is a dog sitting by my side who has the same bad habits as me. What irony. He'll sit and pull chunks of hair out of his leg until there's none left. I feel abandoned. I am forced to watch him cope while I'm stuck in a free fall. No razors in the house and I failed miserably with the knife. My first and last time using it.<br><br>Oh this isn't helping. In fact it's triggering. I'll write later after my mind's come to a stop on solid ground. Bela.
Last update: 28-11-2006 22:54
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