| Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes. |
| holding on to sanity |
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I've lost all hope that I can overcome this on my own. My meds were upped today and I once again feel as though I've failed myself. I haven't taken my razors out once since I brought them home and I'll be able to put them back where I found them on Wednesday. I'll be so much more relaxed once they're gone. I don't want to ever have the urge to take them out again. I feel like a terrible person. I'm supposed to tell my therapist everything and there's so much I haven't told her. I don't think I want her to know everything. I didn't choose to stop cutting--that was their idea. They all took that from me...I need something else in its place. This thing, though the effect isn't immediate, does put a smile on my face. I don't smile much anymore. Paranoia is setting in and I can't keep my mind from racing. I worry about everything. I worry about whether or not my hair's perfectly straight, whether the color I'm wearing makes me stand out in a crowd, if I'm going to or have already said something foolish. I could go on forever. I worry about what my family thinks of me, what my friends and acquaintances think of me, and what total strangers think of me. Sometimes the only way to get through a situation is to be somewhere else in my head. If I'm not there then neither is anyone else. I feel alone and safe. Sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe. It controls my mind and body and I'm left on my own to "deal" with it. "Take deep breaths" they say. If I do anything to calm down it only makes it worse because then I'm constantly thinking about it. And it never goes away. My Utopia is one in which the world is as it is...and I am alone in it. Safe from judgment and ridicule. I know this isn't the ideal or "healthy" lifestyle but right now it's the only one I desire... I have been put on display for all to see They crowd around to look at me They judge my clothes, my hair, my skin, Whether or not I should be thin. They laugh at all my visible faults though I am in pain inside They scorn my secret activities which I fight so hard to hide. My Life Blackness all around my heart A mind that's twisted and falling apart Holding onto sanity Searching for vanity Pushing every soul away Ignoring what they say Fearing your judgment Hating your sentiment Writing away my sorrows Avoiding tomorrow Wishing for the end to come Feeling like a victim. Poetry doesn't help anymore I don't know what I write it for I never show a living soul It no longer makes me feel whole. Last update: 28-11-2006 23:00
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