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November '01 - Fifth Edition |
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| Written by Diana, on 14-11-2001 06:14 |
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Well afer discussing my almost non-existent memory today, I thought I'd update this oh so *fun* page. *gives you the look of death* heh. Anyhow, I'm sure you're sick of hearing it but...here we go...
I went to the same school k-6, had tons of friends though I can't remember much else about it. 7th and 8th grade I also only vaguely remember though it was my first taste of "popularity" and also found out I wasn't popular as in "cheerleader" popularity but everyone knew me. I moved around a lot from group to group but ultimately ended up with the "in" croud. High school was pretty much the same way though it started to matter who I hang out with more than my own well-being. Though I enjoyed the "A" croud more than the cheerleaders, I felt it was more important to know the right people than to be happy. That of course screwed me up and after my share of fights with friends I basically turned inward and resented any help that was offered, including all forms of real friendship. Somehow I managed to get through to my Senior year without any social skills or any friends to speak of. I had tons of aquaintences but that was all, and it was all I thought i needed. December '99 I was accepted early decision by Occidental College, my 18th birthday was awful and the last i cared to have. I was suicidal the first time that january because my friend moved away (as all of my friends and mentors before that had). The following May, after winning a Varsity letter and (it's a long title but..) 1999-2000 Year End Varsity Jumper Reserve Champion, and the acceptance that came with being the only member on the team, I started cutting. 19 days later, my parents forced me to see a therapist, the whole day was traumatizing enough that i'll never forget it. That summer I spent writing out all the feelings I had bottled up for so long (which you can find in my poetry and my journalings) and ended it by moving in to the dorms at Occidental. I was on medication and was severely suicidal. About a month later I left the dorms by order of my therapist and psychiatrist and ended the semester with better grades than I had ever dreamed of having. Christmas sucked as well as my 19th birthday. In April I was so over medicated that I was failing most of my classes and ended up taking a leave of absence from Oxy. Two weeks later after enduring more hell from my parents than I had ever thought possible, I admitted myself to the hospital for suicidal and homocidal ideology, anorexic traits (I was down to 110lbs not having eaten so much as a crumb in two weeks and dropping even more weight rappidly) and cutting on my arms and legs. I was there for 18 very long days where I also met a girl my age and became good friends with...something which today, I regret with all my heart. I'm now licking my wounds I've lost more friends since then, kept more secrets, and lost all respect I had for myself in all the years priar to leaving Occidental. I'm left now with a handful of meds twice a day, a workbook for Anxiety and Phobias, panic attacks, about 100 scars from cutting with whatever I could lay my hands on, parents I hardly ever talk to, and a future that seems unbarably bleak. I have a horse I no longer ride because I can't handle seeing him knowing he won't be mine much longer. I'm clining despirately to my anorexia and have, at least for the time being, given up cutting. Other things have happened in my life since I last posted but right now, I don't care to mention them, they're useless info when you think of the other events in my life. Right now I no longer discuss my anorexia or depression in therapy. Instead, I strive to overcome my phobia and anxiety related to simply leaving my house. My one college course is nothing more than a group of people getting together to ridicule others' work. Beyond that, this has been the story of my life...in a nutshell.
finished at 5:14am 11-14-01
Last update: 14-11-2001 06:14
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