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so you don't see a therapist? |
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| Written by Diana, on 26-02-2001 15:15 |
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This is for those of you who don't want to go see a therapist (don't worry, I'm not going to tell you that you should go). I never wanted to see a therapist either. Even today I dread going every time and don't feel like much has been accomplished when i do go. Why do I still go? Because my therapist is the only person in the world who can keep me from cutting. If I stopped going today, i'd go back to cutting tomorrow. I guess you could say it's a fear of having to tell her. I worry the night before about what I'm going to say, whether there'll be any awkward silences, whether i'll say the right thing. I worry and worry until I can't deal any longer so I go to sleep. And let me tell you--I've been sleeping an awful lot these days. The meds I'm on only make me tired and spacey. I sit in lecture taking notes but I don't hear one word the professor says. If he called on my for any reason I would make a fool of myself because I wouldn't hear him.
I had to fill out this form today on why I failed my first physics midterm. Depression/anxiety was one of the options so I checked it. I don't know if it's the real reason but if it's not then it means i'm completely stupid. the material isn't that hard i just can't wrap my brain around it. This is a first and I'm worried I'll do poorly in the next class and the one after that as well. Anyhow, I have to see my therapist tomorrow afternoon and needless to say i'm hoping she has to cancel. Though I have a lot to say, everything sounds so fake when it comes out of my mouth so i don't always say exactly what's going on. What I really dread is sitting in the waiting room. I sit there and I start shaking and breathing hard and it doesn't go away until i'm in my therapist's office. even then i'm really fidgety though. And it's only getting worse, even with the meds i'm on. I get my hair cut march 1 and i'm so afraid someone won't like it. I love my long hair but I always cut it to just below my shoulders every six months or so. then it grows out long and the cycle repeats itself. Well I have to get going to class.
Last update: 03-12-2006 20:48
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