|
August '01 - Fourth Edition |
|
|
| Written by Diana, on 09-08-2001 23:21 |
| Views |
185  |
|
|
|
August 9, 2001 started 10:21pm
I am 19 years old. I still live in Los Angeles, California and am a student at Occidental College. As of last spring I am taking a year off...
Why? Because almost halfway through second semester I was over medicated and I refused to let my doctors lower the amnt--I was in an ideal state. I was somewhere else in my head at all times--unable to concentrate on anything but the thoughts I had every day. I was extremely upset all of the time and was unable to concentrate on anything but how scared I was around people--and how much I was failing myself. I was failing most if not all of my classes so I took a medical leave of absence. One day I was sitting in the library in my little cubicle and I just started writing a letter to the dean. I knew it was time to take a break--I could no longer go on believing things were okay. The following week my parents forced me to see a different therapist because they didn't believe my current therapist was helping any. That week was the bad thursday all over again. A week or two later I entered an inpatient program at Las Encinas Hospital. I admitted myself without need or desire for parental concent--or presence for that matter. It was a week before I even contacted my mother. My parents even sent me flowers and I asked my roommate to give them to the women next door--I didn't want them. I needed some time away from eveything and everyone that had anything to do with my everyday life. I was there for 18 days and hopefully made a friend for life. I was "in" for suicidal and *homicidal* ideology, anorexic traits, and cutting on my arms and legs--the short stint of bulimia I chose to keep to myself. I learned many tricks to being anorexic--several I will cherish dearly for years to come. I was preached to several times about numerous things I was doing wrong with my life, I participated in highly "illegal" actions and collected and passed around much contriband. It was a blast. The worst day of all was the day I had to return home, leave my new friends--people I had an unbelievable amount in common with--an unbelievable connection. I entered the hospital at 110 lbs, my food intake limited to, well, nothing--fasting for weeks, my therapist said my face had turned a shade of gray. I left at a disappointing 115. I went home, bought several books on the subject and read almost 24 hours a day, locked away in my bedroom, binging on and off unable to return to my fasting, gaining weight by the day. It's been 4 months and I just now am starting to return to my old habits. I became pro active and now rather than reading the sob-stories of those formerly inflicted with an ed, I read only books on, and related to, reasons for continuing on with it, and even helping others to develop one. I have learned many things and now I too try my best to help those "in need" of some fasting advice. I have learned to talk freely about my disorders with my mother who wants so much to understand and even joke about them with my father and sister who are to this day in disbelief. I don't wish for my ed and other disorders to go away. I have stopped cutting though and in four months I have only THOUGHT about it once--two days ago. It only barely crossed my mind, I think because my therapist is out of town--on top of the rest of my current life. My thoughts have drastically changed in the past few months. Mainly, I have lost all faith in myself to succeed--at anything. I'm scared to death of returning to school in January and have only just started returning back to my old habits, happily. It gives me a much desired sense of accomplishment. The unfortunate thing though is that whenever my therapist goes out of town, my life goes to hell. This past week included. I no longer look forward to my future but rather I dream lovingly about the past. I've found myself using my idle time to both keep my mind off my future and use my past to help others. It may not be the best thing to do but it's what I would have wanted had I been in their position. I like talking about myself almost as much as I like asking questions. I seem to want to know everything about those who are "like" me. But at the same time I feel like i'm prying. Maybe it's just my social phobia kicking in again. I've been doing these really nice things for people. Just all of a sudden. I've been doing 24hr fasts and then eating something like this evening I had a pear, some crackers and later an apple. Other than that I haven't been eating. And hey look at that, my therapist's out of town again. I think it's a sign. I'm running a pro ana group, one of few that yahoo hasn't shut down yet, so come on over if you want to join. It's profast2--a continuation of profast which yahoo shut down. We have members who have eds and members who just want to get down to a healthy weight--and are both equally welcome. Anyhow, there's my update. I'm quite a different person than I was a year ago--even six months ago. Four months ago I was in a hospital where I met people with all kinds of problems. The only one I really got to know was a girl who lives blocks away from me. She's my age and after I was discharged she left for an eating disorders program in another state--I envy her to this incredible extent. I will miss her dearly. She could be there up to nine months and I plan to do everything in my power to make sure she remembers me when she returns home. She made a couple of promises to me and I plan to help her keep her word. They were such things as showing me the "wonderful world of coffee," and becoming "walking budies." I've lost many friends recently and in a little while I'm going to lose many more, including my horse. The one thing in the world I don't think I will ever get over. I've lost a friend. I've also lost all ability to leave the house without much anxiety. I dissociate often when I'm outside my house and am only now learning to, well, not dissociate. My only other friend is leaving at the end of the month for NY. God only knows how I'm going to deal with losing so much in such a small amount of time. I haven't slept in days. I'm now the one who doesn't sleep to my mother and a little weird to my sister. Fortunately though, my father seems to think nothing of it. I just don't find any use for it anymore. Besides, tonight my room smells of paint fumes. I am remodeling my closet all by myself and just painted it this afternoon. I don't read much anymore, except recipe books on making pies. I love making them first because because my mother can't and also because it takes me a whole day and I don't even eat pies. Ever. Well, I think I'm going to leave you with that. I can't and don't care to predict my future--I can tell you though that my future is not as set in my head as it used to be. I'll update you at a later date, when my mind is more clear, when I've slept.
finished at 11:40pm
Edited at 3:03am
Last update: 09-08-2001 23:21
Users' Comments (0) 
|
|
|
