| Written by Diana, on 21-03-2001 01:47 |
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I have put so much faith in you to keep my secrets and never judge me. I haven't trusted anyone with the smallest secret in so long. I don't have anyone I can trust and now here you come expecting me to tell all and I just have a problem with that. I feel like I have to draw a line somewhere. I feel like I've hit the point where I just can't trust that you won't judge me. With Brianna, I'm a little concerned that she'll tell people at the barn but I've known her long enough to believe she won't do that so I'm able to put a certain amount of trust in her. Besides, I don't know her friends and if I had any, she wouldn't know mine so there was no harm in her breaking my trust. I just...I tell you so much and sometimes I fear you're laughing inside. I know this isn't true but that's how I feel.
One time a few years ago I overheard my mother and sister laughing about something I did. I'll never forget the look on their faces when I walked into the room. For some reason I don't remember all the good things. All I remember are the bad things, the things I wish never happen to me. On top of all that, I feel I can't rely on anyone to tell the truth. What if I look stupid--the butt of a joke--answering something honestly when it was just a joke I've been thrown into. Then everyone laughs at me because I thought they were serious. I fear most of all that my family laughs behind my back. This makes living hard with them around. That's why I like being in the house all alone because then I know there's no one there to laugh at me. I hate being me. In fact so much so that I sometimes feel I'd do anything to not have to torture myself with life anymore. I get tired of worrying because I do it every second of every hour of every day. I never get a break. Even in my dreams I worry. I worry that my animals hate me. I worry that those people I call friends are only trying to be nice.
Last update: 03-12-2006 21:16
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