Anonymous Home v23.0

Written by Diana, on 24-12-2000 23:00

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Well I decided it would be best if I just came out with it. This whole "about me" thing isn't really about ME.

 It's about a person without a name, without a college, family, friends, a place to call home. One thing though, I can't actually say my name because I can't have anyone know this site was created by me. If you know what I mean. If not-what I mean is that my parent's don't know much about anything. My mother knows I have two websites and my father thinks I only have one. No one actually knows what this second website (this one) is all about. I'd like to keep it that way. The only identification there is on this thing is a few pieces of poetry. About four or five. All the others have only left my room long enough for my therapist to read them. And that sure was a stretch for me b/c I've always been used to showing the whole world my poetry over and over. So anyhow, enough of that.

Who am I? Well that's a difficult question. I don't always know. You can call me Bela. I know I have a screen name but this is what everyone calls me on the net. Bela. All of my e-mails are addressed to me this way (by those not in any way related to me) and signed this way. I like it. Short and simple. Moving on.

I am 18 years old. I will be 19 very shortly. I have decided not to celebrate my birthday though, on account of I had the worst birthday imaginable last year (by me anyhow). My mother yelled at me for a couple of hours and told me I was being selfish. She told me I shouldn't expect my friends (of 5 years) to remember my birthday...

I attend Occidental College right here in smog city, Los Angeles, California. I graduated high school with honors and am now in a pre-engineering program with Caltech (California Institute of Technology). For those of you who still don't know what I'm talking about-it's the M.I.T. of the west coast. I'm probably dreaming that I'll be accepted into the second part of the program, but here's hoping. My therapist doesn't really support me in pushing for the grade. She just wants to keep from having to hospitalize me. I'd like that too.

I've never been hospitalized. I'm grateful for that. I've been close several times but I've always managed to talk my doctors out of it. My parents on the other hand, don't know a thing about how close I've gotten. In fact, they're clueless about a lot of things.

I have a sister who's 21. She's your typical blonde. Did horribly in high school, is in her 4th year of college and is still taking freshman classes, shops WAY too much, and works in a clothing store. She has horrible taste in guys, is clueless about how things really are, and is just an all around air head. I joke and say I'll probably have gotten my PhD before she ever graduates with a bachelor's.

I'm rambling, I know. But it's Christmas eve and I'm sooo dreading tomorrow. We're having 20 people over and I'm going to go crazy. But I'll get to that soon.

I have a horse. His show name is Christopher Robin. He is a thoroughbred, age 14 and I've had him for 3 ?years. I used to compete in equestrian competitions with my school and I was Varsity Jumper Year End Reserve Champion last year. Last May-May 6th-was our last show. I haven't shown since. I don't ever plan to show again. But we'll get to that in a minute as well. I've been riding competitively for fifteen years. And so it ends. I still ride, but just for the joy of it. My trainer wants to kill me I'm sure. I love speed and high jumps. It's such a rush. I feel like I'm flying...

I am also an artist (some would dispute that). I paint abstract, dark, large canvases. One appears to be painted black. But it's so much more. They're all so personal to me. I write poetry and recently got one published. It's coming out in a book of poems next winter. I tried writing stories, but that just wasn't my thing. I wish I knew HTML, but I don't. I could do great things with it. I just don't have the patience to learn it though. Maybe some day. I even have books on it.

Now that I've talked your ear off-down to the nitty gritty. Last May I started cutting. My father found out and told my mother. She freaked and sent me to a psychoanalyst who looked at me...and looked at me some more...that was enough of that. He called a psychiatrist (IN AN EMERGENCY!) and we went there a few hours later. I get all tingly just thinking about that day. So we'll just get on with it. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, OCD, a social phobia, and I self injure...(and I love it). My parents don't know much about it. They know I SI, and they know I've been taking medication for depression (I think) and I they probably think I've stopped the SI. I've been through medication hell and I've survived-so far. I'm still looking for a medication for my social phobia. It only gets worse by the day and everyone insists I keep taking the meds I'm on. BUT THEY DON'T WORK!!

I have this problem with therapy. I HATE talking about myself for an hour to people (in person) and I'm forced to do it twice a week. I love my therapist dearly but I just have issues with it-so what's new. One good thing about all of this though, I've lost 30 pounds in the past six months!! Move over Jenny Craig! My diet-just don't eat!! Yeah. Funny. I know how an anorexic feels though, I probably look just fine (I weighed 120 a few weeks ago and I haven't really eaten this past week so...) but I hate how I look. My sister's a stick and I can almost wear her clothes. I should be ecstatic. But I'm not. My aunt's going to freak tomorrow. Every years at x-mas she tells me how skinny I've gotten (yeah right) and now (YEAH. RIGHT!) She's going to die. Hopefully. Got a shovel? Anyhow...I'm bored. It's only 10:39 and I'm not tired. We're opening presents at 9:00 tomorrow morning because my mother has to put our 23 (!!!) lb turkey in the oven by 11:30.

I have one comment. I was reading a depression(??) site today-someone's personal garbage can of thoughts-and it got me thinking. I really don't want to go read uplifting quotes when I'm depressed. I have to show you one of their quotes. (if the owner of that site reads this, great site, i just can't stand the quotes on the opening page) The worst one is as follows: "in this life there are nothing but possibilities."--empire records. There are others, but this one just fries me. I want to punch my fist through the screen. They aren't very original either. The rest of the site is great-she should write a book. I'd say go see it but I don't want to point her out as having stupid quotes.

Have YOU ever been criticized by people you don't know? I have. I wanted to crawl in a hole and pull the hole in after me. (I don't remember who said that). And I had to talk to those people again, and still do. Someone "yelled" at me over something I posted on my OTHER website but I didn't know her so I shrugged it off. She was a crack head anyhow. She just didn't like me because I wouldn't share my sources with her. Moving on.

That killed oh 11 minutes. Oh, I also take pictures. I have some amazing sunsets. I'll see what I can do about posting a couple when I get my computer back. (I'm using my fathers until mine gets repaired-it's 6 months old and I'm having hard drive problems!!) I got an Iomega Zip drive out of it though. It's so cute. Just a little blue box.

I started a new poem-wanna hear it? No? Well to bad. Here it is so far: "A Tattle-Tale"
              Such sincerity in the outward face
              But what it hides does take its place
              The eyes reflect the soul inside
              And what it dies each day to hide
              One part of sadness, one of fear
              The threat of hopelessness growing near
              It knows what lies ahead for one
              Who hides each day from everyone
That's it. I don't like it much. It's me but it's not how I usually write. It mentions how I pretend to be this happy perky person when I'm the complete opposite, and it mentions my phobia. I even get panic attacks when I'm at home with my family of one sister and my parents. That's how bad it is. It's called no one ask me to stop fidgeting or I'll explode.

Do you ever get so bored that you just say "Maybe I'll see what ways I could kill myself, just for the hell of it"? No? Me either. But I'm getting close.

Have you ever read the site The Lost Soul Companion? It's really great. I bought the book and made a "Bad Day Box" of my own. This is how it goes: On the top it says "Bad Day Box," that door opens and inside it says "Use this box to brighten your day and wash all those salty years away. You may be in darkness but fear no more, just open one of these mysterious doors." Then there are four outer doors, and two inner doors that have "visuals"-I'll explain in a minute. Then on the bottom there's a "Danger" door. Outside door #1: "Take the sun within your hands and smile. Tomorrow will be better. Snap a few pictures to remind you how bad it was. It will make you realize how much better it is". You might say that doesn't wound like the best idea but it has meaning for me. If it was your box, you probably wouldn't have said that. OD#2: "Watch the sun go down. This way you'll know that a new day is coming soon. Then go to bed early and sleep in late, even if this means lying in bed wide awake for hours. Sometimes it helps to be lazy and waste away the hours." OD#3: "So you feel sad and alone. Find someone who feels just the same and lift each others' spirits. Remember, you're not a star which burns on its own but a moon which lives in darkness and relies on the sun to survive. You will not survive without the sun-that which brings a smile to your face every day with only an occasional lunar eclipse" That one may also be hard to understand for some. OD#4 I'm not even going to mention because I HATE it and am going to change it. Inner door #1: visual: four compartments with gold glitter in top left and bottom right and silver glitter in bottom right and top left. "Let the glitter shine light on the darkness. Take the gold to be your sun and the silver as your moon. then you will never be in darkness again." Cheesy, I know. The last one is just for me but the visual is again four compartments but they all have pop corn kernels in them. It's a cool noise maker too. The bottom is only applies to me, others would apply differently to different people but It's very straight forward: "Caution: This door is for emergencies only!....Do NOT go to the internet for help! Find a blank screen to write on or stay away from the computer all together. Don't go NEAR anything sharp. Stay away from the garage and the kitchen-two places where sharp objects lie. Got to sleep. And as a last and final resort, call ********: (phone number)." That last part is my therapist's first name and her phone number. The good thing about this is that I had to promise that I'd call her and give her a chance to talk me out of killing myself...as a result I've never gotten that far. (Great safety thingy!!!) Sorry, I'm starting to get tired and I'm having trouble thinking clearly.

I'm losing all sense of thought and, and, uh never mind.

Wow, it's 11:22. I've never rambled on this long-ever. I'm so proud of myself. No wait, no one's gonna want to read this whole thing. I don't even want to read it. maybe I'll post it as different pages, make a game of it. Hm, what a good idea I had. Wait, time for my medication......Okay. Isn't it the saying "the sooner you go to bed the sooner Santa will come"? Maybe if I'd gone to bed two hours ago, Santa'd be here by now. Never mind. I've lost it. I'm just not a night person. I'm definitely a morning person.

For some reason I'm hoping that I really get jipped tomorrow or my parents put something really stupid in my stocking so that I can storm into my room and lock the door. Then I'd have plenty to talk to my therapist about Tuesday. I want so much to continue hating my parents but they make it so hard! I could barely find any presents for me under the tree this year. They were all for my sister.

Last update: 24-12-2000 23:00

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