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"the world must have come to an end!" |
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| Written by Diana, on 26-11-2002 20:37 |
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November 26, 2002 (7:37pm)
The structure that I depend on daily is crumbling at my feet and no one seems to be able to help me. They're trying to force me to go to an eating disorder outpatient program rather than the program I'm going to now. I called my therapist four hours ago to tell her if any decisions were made like she asked me to but I haven't heard back. I don't know what to do. They made me drive down to this other place I'd never been to to take an assessment which I failed miserably, I cried the whole time I was explaining it to the facilitators at my current partial program and all they way home, I called my therapist like I was supposed to, as of 1:45pm my therapist had not yet called partial regarding my insurance which had to be done by 3pm or there was no point. I'm starting to worry that something's wrong with her, that she couldn't call. There's nothing I can do except sit and wait to hear different. Today was supposed to be my last day in partial. In addition, I won't see my therapist for about two weeks and Thanksgiving's Thursday. I've had to deal with this all on my own. My mother doesn't even know this is all going on. The last thing I need is for her bugging me constantly, calling insurance to complain. I'll tell her when a final decision has been made. I was told to go to my current partial program tomorrow, that insurance will authorize it, that they wouldn't just make me leave the day i find all this out, they're not that cruel. I hope that's true. I want to cut so bad, I want to say that I called my therapist today like I'm supposed to before I cut and I didn't get a call back, I want to justify it so badly. For some reason, whenever my therapist is going to be away for a period of time, everything here goes wrong. I'm starting to wonder if there is a god and he has it in for me. One time she left and my parents forced me to see a new therapist, I couldn't refuse and I had no one to help me through it. I cut the worst I've ever cut. There was a repeat of the "bad Thursday" once, I know I cut then too but I don't remember how bad or what exactly happened. Last time I was in the hospital, I was put in lock-down and my therapist was out of town for that period of time, as well as my psychiatrist. And now she's out on maternity leave, and everything's changing around me, and I can't get ahold of her, and I don't know why. I haven't been online, I've been carrying my phone around with me all day, and I check messages if there's ever a possibility that the phone rang and I was unable to get it. I left a voicemail message on her cell phone like she asked, I don't know what else there is to do. Except sit and wait. I really want to cut though. I didn't even want to spend enough time in the kitchen to make dinner for fear I'd miss a call or something. I've never cried in partial, and today the facilitators were looking on as though they were thinking "OMG she's actually crying, the world must have come to an end!" One facilitator who calls me "Peanut" or "Little One" came in from the outside to look on, he's not even my facilitator because he does the CD group (substance abuse groups), I only have him once a week for discharge planning, or a video. I don't know what to do, how to proceed. This is when things get unmanagable, when I'm forced to do things against my will, when my stability is threatened, and when therey's no one there to help me get through. I'm worried that my therapist hasn't called because something's wrong, I'm also worried that she hasn't called and nothing's wrong. I'm worried about making anyone feel guilty for not being here, or that I'm too insignificant for anyone to care. I'm worried about people thinking they know more about what's best for me than I do, I'm also worried that they're right. I don't know what to do but I slept so much this afternon that I can't now, at least not until later. I hate that I gave my razors up, it's all that makes me feel better when I'm alone. I don't want anyone upset with me for doing it, I just want to do it and feel better and be done with it. I just wish I was someone else.
Last update: 26-11-2002 20:37
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