| Written by Diana, on 14-11-2002 18:05 |
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November 14, 2002 (5:05pm)
Can you say screwed?? It's been two and a half weeks of this...eating thing. As of two days ago when my mother said I didn't eat enough of my dinner, the first time she's EVER said I wasn't eating enough--just at the time when I start trying to recover rather than two years ago as my 100lb sickly looking self when I hit bottom and WANTED her to tell me to stop--eating just seems...unnecessary, a waste of my time and energy. I can't seem to force that food down my throat that used to signal a change for the better. Now, when things are getting better between us she has to poke her nose in where it doesn't belong. She had her opportunity to say something when my life was falling to pieces two years ago and she chose not to. It's been too long, too much has had to happen without her support and I'm through with it. It's too late, getting on me about my food now is not going to make up for anything, it just makes me angry that she thinks it will. She should just treat me normal, or be encouraging. Her criticism only makes it more difficult to want to try, to want to take care of myself. I want her to think about what she's saying for a change. But I know that will never happen. She'll never change and I'll never be able to keep from taking it personally. I started looking into SSI after everyone at partial told me I should and that I'm probably qualified. I need to get out of here and it just doesn't seem like something that's going to happen in a reasonable amount of time, afterall they're all on it and some of them don't have that serious of a diagnosis. I feel like I can't get better until I move out, yet to take classes, to get a job, to move out, I have to get better. I don't feel like I'm getting better when I am eating. I feel like I'm permantently screwed, and nothing I do is ever going to change that. I'm not sure I'll never get away from my parents, and that feels like the worst thing in the world.
Last update: 14-11-2002 18:05
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