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| almost as unattainable as perfection |
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September 15, 2002 (6:24pm) My stomach hurts, my entire body aches, and i've had a headache for the past several days now. And on top of it all, I'm absolutely exhausted, sitting here waiting on my therapist at 8:24am. I really am a morning person, I swear. It's just that I've become a night person as well. It's when the sun's out and people are roaming around that I would rather not be up. I feel so awful right now, well I've really felt this way for years but at the moment it's just being magnified by the fact that I don't have any other specific issues to focus on. I'm really starting to feel for those people who have to look at me day in and day out. I mean I would prefer to not burden those who pass by me once and never again but it's those who have to sit across the room from me, listen to me talk, see all my hideous flaws, that I really feel for. Well, it's coming up on six years since....well you know. I mean it's going to land on the same day of the week and everything. I'm going to have to sit in partial with all those people, explain to them why I feel so bad. My therapist kindly said she'd change my appointment to that day rather than the day prior to it. I wish I could avoid talking about it all together, that's the only way I've gotten through the past five years without help, something I'm not willing to ask for. I was told today that it's going to take sheer willpower to get through this....this hell I'm living. I guess right now I'm still searching for it. Yes, things have gotten worse in the past year. The social phobia, my eating routines, my view of myself, my determination. Though I'm also not in that unrealistic situation I had myself in at Occidental, in line for my PhD, expecting nothing less than greatness...something almost as unattainable as perfection. I haven't given up on a degree, I've just come to the realization that it's not going to happen in the near future, possibly not ever. Get certified, get a job, move out, establish some sense of normalcy in my life. Those are my current goals. Ultimately. Okay my biggest pet peeve is when people take my things with or without asking and then don't return them or return them in a condition worse than that in which they found them. I am so unbelievably tired. It's 6:20pm and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm really hurting not being able to have caffeine. It's been my life source for the past several years and now I've had to quit cold turkey. It's not that I don't attempt to sleep, I do. It's just that getting to sleep and staying asleep are another issue, one I can't seem to overcome. There are of course those times I wake up from whatever nightmare and I flat out refuse to go back to sleep. It'd probably help if I changed that attitude too. Last update: 15-09-2002 19:24
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