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and it seems i'm always trying to run |
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| Written by Diana, on 07-09-2002 22:56 |
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September 2, 2002 (9:56pm)
Two days off and I freak but three...I've been close to blowing up at the next person who speaks to me. of course if i would just eat something i'd hate myself but i wouldn't be so enraged. The Xenadrine's gone as of Saturday which isn't helping, but I've promised not to get anymore. I suppose it's all for the better, it probably wasn't doing much anyhow. How do you learn to stop believing yourself, tell yourself you're wrong and that the reflection you see isn't real? When did the saying "seeing is believing" become negative? I see a body that's taking up more space than it's due, that appears larger than it did yesterday surviving off fruit and crackers. I wish that I could strip the layers off one by one until I'm satisfied with how I look. Right now I only feel as though my mind is being stripped away while my body stays the same. It hurts, but it's not me who hurts it's this body, this body i hate. I can't seem to feel it's my own, when i cut, it's just another wound on a body that's deserving. i have to go to partial tomorrow, see all those people. I don't know what I'm gonna say at check-in. "I had a terrible weekend but I can't say why." Somehow I don't think that'll go over well. it's just getting so hard to be at home. My room feels so big when it's clean. Part of me wants to dirty it up just so it won't feel that way. I had a dream last night that I was confined to this closet with two other people, that there was threat of death if we so much as opened the sliding doors. In my dreams I'm always floating, my toes can touch the ground but it makes for a hard time when trying to run, and it seems I'm always trying to run. I'm always trying to get some place and it's life or death that I get there, immediately.
Last update: 07-09-2002 22:56
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