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in my hopeless, "life is shit" mood |
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| Written by Diana, on 20-08-2002 20:46 |
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August 20, 2002 (7:46pm)
Too many pills, not enough food, and liters of water have my body asking if it's up or down or shakey or strong or ready to explode. I think all of the above are actually true. I think the partial facilitator is giving up on me after working with me only a week and two days, some of the worst days i've had in a long time. i want to see my therapist, she seems to be able to offer some hope when i don't have any. i really needed a couple hours to myself today but i swear an alarm sounds in my mother's head and she's here making the situation worse by...existing. i'm in my hopeless "life is shit, i'm dead decaying pond scum and i might as well eat worms" mood and i have no regard for the amount of pills that i've swallowed, the food that i haven't, and how much i'm hurting those who matter most because of it. (Friend quality #1: doesn't let me get away with any of my shit--doesn't just let me wallow, doesn't let me "slip by" unnoticed with things I shouldn't be doing) Right now all I've got is a best friend whos made all the difference in the world, an amzing therapist i only wish i had met sooner, a great friend online i can relate to with my eating disorder, parents who don't take me seriously, a family that's oblivious, and a sister...you should see her walk on water. Hell of a support system. I seem to know exactly what I don't want my friends to be but haven't a clue what they should be. (Friend quality #2: respectful of my things, my time, and my feelings while asking the same for themself from myself and others) I was told yesterday for the first time in my life that I'm not shy. That I'm very good at standing up for myself and others when it's needed, that i'm good at saying a lot without speaking a word, that i'm so sweet and kind and supportive yada yada yada. I'm feeling like I need to go binge or something and I don't want to. I'm in a bad enough mood, I don't need to add food to that list. I wonder if it's possible to "overdose" on diet pills and laxies...*shrugs*
Last update: 20-08-2002 20:46
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