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with great sarcasm and a loud chuckle |
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| Written by Diana, on 08-08-2002 16:21 |
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August 8, 2002 (3:21pm)
do you ever just wish everyone would let you be, let you wither away in peace? that's how I feel right now. everyone wants for me what I don't want for myself. every now and then i get a glimpse of wanting this pain to be over, but I only feel it when things are so bad that the only way to make it go away is to sleep. surprisingly, even though things have been the worst they've been in a long time, I haven't once been suicidal. quite hopeless at times, like this hell i'm living isn't temporary and the only direction I can go from here is down, but never suicidal. it's quite peculiar actually. I'm quite prone to thoughts of suicide but things are reasonable right now. I have moments of great self-hatred but they pass. and it's when they pass that everything seems livable, almost desirable at times. my parents want to help me but they don't know how to be serious. my life is serious and the only way they can hear it or discuss it is to make it a joke. "Does being addicted to M&M's count as a food addiction?" my father would ask with great sarcasm and a loud chuckle. I even got upset with my mother for laughing at the possibility of my entering and ED Program and she got angry with me for getting upset with her, saying she had a right to laugh. I mean how screwed up is that? It's like she was saying "I'm not laughing at you, no wait...yes I am!" And she doesn't think I have reason to be upset with her. Then my father, Mr. Indescreet doesn't even speak to me anymore now that my "secret" is out. That's fine, I don't want to hear anything he has to say anymore. I don't want to hear what either of them has to say ever again. And my sister, the recreational drunk doesn't understand why I don't want to hang out with her. Everyone says she'll grow out of it but...how much more "growing" does she have to do? Okay time for mindless cartoons. I've done all the analysing I can for one day.
Last update: 08-08-2002 16:21
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