| Written by Diana, on 01-08-2002 00:06 |
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July 31, 2002-2 (11:06pm)
this puerto rican woman with broken english told me my soft voice was just me being passive aggressive. she then grumbled something in puerto rican and stormed off. *scratches head* did i miss something? i came home and consulted my mother. we debated the situation for a while but...nothing was concluded. this one guy and i are feeling like our space is being a bit intruded upon by all these new people. ["...a southland varsity football player under investigation for rape, details at eleven"] I told him I'M feeling like the newbie. In symptom management group we were doing muscle relaxation, the WHOLE BODY kind. Some people were laying on the floor, some comfortably laying back in their chair, one or two even sleeping. I was scrunched up in a chair, I could only try a couple of the relaxation things. I couldn't go all out and just got more tense doing so. the facilitator asked me if i knew why, she said being always tense keeps me ready for "fight or flight." i told our half group of familiar faces this morning about that guy grabbing me on Monday, about the flashbacks it triggered, and about my blood pressure and pulse "careening in swoops and boutds." of course, maybe i should just keep my mouth shut since i'm pretty sure i know what caused it recently. this increased prozac has almost killed my appetitie. i'm tempted to ask if he can remove one medication and increase the prozac to 60mg, the max, but then if i need it increased down the road i'll have to go through side-effects of adding a new, unpredictable medication. apprarently my sister, parents, cousin, and my cousin's boyfriend are all going to dinner for my sister's 23rd birthday wednesday. my father's even coming home for it. i should be going but i'll have to order a salad and i hate being pressured to eat. i know i'll inadvertently ruin the evening, just by being there, by ordering a vegan meal, diet soda, and not wolfing it down. to be seen eating anything at all would be quite spectacular in my eyes, not in theirs though. my mother said i could use my meds to get out of celebrating for my 21st (my sister's been planning it for the past year now) but i don't want to ever bring that up with anyone. i asked if i would ruin her birthday by not going. i still have this fear though that i'd ruin it by going as well. i don't want to sleep tonight. i'm feeling inspired, full of ideas, wired as hell. maybe i'll sit and sift through hoards of photographs, memories that'd be better left forgotten. this project, though unapproved, had better be unforgetable for my own sake. though i have ideas in my head, a behind the scenes kinda thing you'd have to see to believe, and understand. sort of an "inside" deal, probably better left...inside. it's cool when i get this way as long as i have something to apply it to, or else it's just wasted energy. i want to write my religious studies paper on the religious customs pertaining ot muslim or islamic women. due in one week. this will of course depend on the amount of published information available. my fall-back would be a paper on Siddhartha, extremely boring. of course my professor has the final say. he may not like my original topic.
Last update: 01-08-2002 00:06
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