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to put food in my mouth & not self-destruct |
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| Written by Diana, on 28-07-2002 19:07 |
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July 28, 2002-2 (6:07pm)
i don't know why but i am so incredibly down right now. it's 5:30pm and i just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep. my stomach hurts, i finally gave in and ate dinner but i feel like i'm gonna throw up before my body has time to digest it. i've lost weight but all i see when i look in the mirror is fat. my parents, they see right through this sadness they see loud music, good school attendance, occasionally running errands. to them i'm functioning, when all i want to do is get through this second in time because more than that feels too overwhelming. i wish my parents knew how much i struggle just to appear to function. they think it's easy for me. they don't understand how hard it is to be attentive when they talk, to put a bite of food in my mouth and swallow, to not self-destruct, and to live this way in secret. of all things that's the hardest part. to be this way on the inside yet live behind this finely crafted facade. and i can't tell them because if they knew how i struggle each day i'd never again live in peace, peace on the outsdide. so surely there'd never be at peace on the inside, though either way i'm not sure i'll ever know the benefit of that. there's too much, too many bad thoughts that never slow much less stop. i want to write some poetry, it's been so long. but i'm not feeling very poetic right now. i just want to sleep until tomorrow when i'll be too busy to dwell on the bad things. i've been trying for hours now to keep from crying. i'm not sure how much longer that will last though. i'm only so strong.
Last update: 28-07-2002 19:07
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