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because it's so damn...peaceful |
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| Written by Diana, on 23-07-2002 11:20 |
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July 23, 2002 (10:20am)
even as the scale begins to fall i'm not satisfied, my efforts oughtn't merit worry. i'm not emaciated yet. my first midterm "back" where i felt like a functioning human being was today. if the professor doesn't give me a B I'll be seriously bothered. Instead of a paragraph comparing two religions, I wrote an essay summarizing them as well. I believe I did exceedingly well under the circumstances. i left a half hour early for partial because i finished the midterm early and when i got here the front door was locked. so naturally i ran the doorbell and no one came. so here i sit out on the deck wishing group would hurry up and end already and that someone would unlock the door for me. I'm feeling very alone and exposed out here, even though there's no one around except the security guard(s) who refuse to be seen. i feel oddly like i'm geing watched because it's so damn...peaceful sitting here. i've got my earphones on kinda loud and although no one can come up behind me without trampling a hedge and hopping a somewhat high railing, i still have this fear i'm not safe here alone. this whole paranoia kick is really starting to get the better of me. i can't even sit here without surveying my surroundings every ten seconds. unfortunately that requires a 270 degree rotation, an obvious shift to any accidental observer. i wonder what the security guards are thingking of me. even the constant barage of scurrying critters has me uneasy. group should have ended two minutes ago. and now with my music stopped, the sounds of the hospital grounds and the cars passing on the avenue just beyond the ivy covered walls sounds excessive. birds chirping, squirrels scuttling around, trees rustling. why do they have to do this? why can't they just sit, awaiting...something more, something that might justify the scratching, screechy, screaming in my ears? Silence has a certain finesse, a quality unlike any other. it holds a secret so profound that if silence were ever fully acheived, the world might pause in it's rotation, the sun flicker, the stars fall. the universe colliding in upon itself would be limitless, mute, obscene. and in the end white noise, piercingly strong, would break the ties of bondage leaving purity behind. how's that for imagination?
Last update: 23-07-2002 11:20
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