| Written by Diana, on 14-07-2002 22:34 |
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July 14, 2002 (9:34pm)
Why is life so unfair? I eat a peanut butter sandwich at dinner and a couple pieces of fruit yet i get no results, when anyone else eating this would be losing like crazy. during the week i don't have breakfast or lunch. i ordered diet pills twice and they didn't come either time. i'm scared to death to call customer service and get my money back. that's two hundred dollars down the drain. I'm too embarrassed to buy them in the store so I go online where I've never had a problem before and twice on the same type of product i'm ripped off. the one thing i don't want to call about. i really really want them. i'd go bulimic if i had the courage but then again i said that about cutting and anorexia and a short time of purging and look where i am now. i've done all the things i once wished i'd had the courage to do. if i had good diet pills i'd be abusing them. i just haven't found any that worked at the few places i'm willing to go to buy them. if only. i want to try ordering them again but "third time's a charm" just isn't a good enough guarantee that i won't get ripped off once again. my eyes are filling with tears from just a glance in the mirror. there are so few things i like when i see me. sometimes i like my face and my hair, sometimes my hands. but how much of that do people really see? those are the only things i don't look at. I'm disgusting ugly fat slob and i might as well starve. if only i could convince my mind of that. I don't eat because I should, I eat because when I don't this is what I do. I sit around and slowly pick away at my so-called life. there's not a second that goes by that I feel good in my own skin. if i was given the chance to trade mine in for another, i'm not sure i'd have to think about it. granted some days are worse than others but the days that aren't so bad are few and far between. and the days that are the worst are much too often. i don't even know who i am anymore. i seem to just be sick, all the time. and it's not an ill that they have antibiotics for, it's not an ill that comes and goes and you forget. it comes, it changes your life, and if you're lucky it goes away years later but you never forget...you never forget. i'd much prefer to waste away and be just...air. to blow away in the wind...i'd have finally reached perfection.
Last update: 14-07-2002 22:34
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