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freakishly irrational, hopefully fleeting & physically impossible |
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| Written by Diana, on 05-07-2002 22:31 |
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July 5, 2002 (9:31pm)
There's part of me, a very small part, that wants the desire to have children. For as long as I can remember, my reasons for not wanting kids were that in all the work I've done with them--summer camp counselor, babysitter, tutor, assistant to a children's photographer, volunteer at a children's hospital, relative, and friend--I have yet to figure out what to do with them, I don't want my child to turn out like me, my experience growing up was so traumatic I think I'd suffocate them with worry just to make sure they didn't have to go through what I did. If I had a child it would tie me to my family almost permanently, the physical aspects such as gaining weight I'd inevitably fail to lose, the apparent truth that some husbands find their wives less desireable after having children like suddenly that's all they're good for, and many many others. All this in addition to these freakishly irrational, hopefully fleeting, physically impossible but nonetheless terrifying fears that if centered in reality would turn any ordinary person deathly afraid of and permanently disgusted by their own body. The first of these and possibly the most unbelievably nightmarish, is that if I did try to get pregnant, some of what he left inside me which since that day remained dormant, would end up becoming the cause for me getting pregnant rather than the intended, if you know what I mean. Another irrational fear, though based more in reality, is that I haven't suffered from this long enough, that I don't deserve to be loved, that I'll always be a traumatized, disordered, mentally ill, depressed, lonely person who's ability to function is slowly wearing away. The fact that I can't seem to convince myself that everyone isn't out to hurt me and that it's time I lived my life without fear, leads me to believe I never will. And I think because of all this, because of all these thoughts I can't find the strength to push away, I have ended up scarring not just myself, but those closest to me as well.
Last update: 05-07-2002 22:31
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