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his face, disgustingly sincere |
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| Written by Diana, on 08-02-2002 20:57 |
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February 8, 2002 (7:57pm)
Group tomorrow. I haven't done any homework, haven't recorded anxiety or depression since monday, haven't done the reading, so afraid he'll question my hierarchy that i can hardly think straight. i finally got my mother off my back by telling her this was all because of group...not a total lie. maybe i'll finally get some sleep now, stop worrying she'll knock on my door and start yelling. it's 7:30pm. and i've hardly gotten any sleep today, my one day to rest. i had three nightmares this morning, one yesterday--a really bad one. one i woke up in tears from, one i'm quite familiar with, though one i'll never get used to. five years it's been going on, you'd think it wouldn't effect me so much anymore. here's where i describe what happens in the end, just to warn you: it's that day all over--he walks away laughing, i'm sitting on the ground with my knees up, my mother walks up and yells at me to stand up, i'm getting my skirt dirty. that's it, that's where it ends. i don't know how my mother comes into it, she doesn't even know. but god that laughing, it never goes away. in the silence i hear it, when i shut my eyes i see his face, disgustingly sincere. if i fall asleep with the light on, with my music playing, the nights aren't nearly as bad. i can't seem to stop questioning though, laying blame. i just want to sleep, without nightmares, for a full eight hours, without waking up in tears, feeling lonely, knowing i have to go through this alone.
my mother just tried to convince me i'm overreacting, last week wasn't so bad, what the fuck does she know, i kindly told her to fuck off.
Last update: 08-02-2002 20:57
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