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three parts to functioning |
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| Written by Diana, on 08-03-2003 23:00 |
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March 8, 2003
All day I've kind of been mulling over the fact that I took, as my therapist said, "an almost suicidal dose of Ativan," or something to that effect, which i was unaware of, yet I spend every day thinking I'm functioning well enough to not be in a place like LEH. Somehow I see myself as the same person who weighed 150 three years ago and anyone who weighs less than that I see as totally skinny and perfect...Life sucks doesn't it? I spend my sessions these days telling my therapist how afraid I am that my bf's gonna tell me I've gained weight and I'm hideously fat and ugly when I go see him in a month. I'm not at all worried about the pot I plan to smoke  , the *** we hope to have to have (uhem) or flying across the country alone, with a layover and agoraphobia. I'm worried about him deciding that I'm suddenly hideous and what did he ever see in me. Do you look in the mirror and actually see yourself the way you look? Or do you see something different, something unrealistic? I used to collect pictures of people who were "perfect" and stand in front of the mirror for hours *imagining* my faults. For some reason I can't *imagine* things are ever gonna be okay...
My therapist told me there are three parts to functioning. The first was can you hold down a job? The second, do you have a healthy social life (I can hardly leave my house), and I don't remember the third. But I think if you've got two out of three you're at least holding it together okay...at least that's my view. My goal is to just "hold it together." I guess I've stopped looking at how healthy my thoughts are and started looking at those questions above. I may not be able to eat anything without hating myself later or sustain any sort of severe stress without cutting but if I can go to work every day and do my job and do the things I need to do to live (such as buy groceries) then I'd say that qualifies as functioning, don't you? I mean I'm totally not doing any of those things but I think my expectations are too high. I think I can cut and still function...what do you think? *shrugs*
I don't read books about my disorders anymore, they get me down...way down. I think I've read too many as it is. I'm boycotting them 
Last update: 08-03-2003 23:00
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