| Written by Diana, on 23-01-2007 01:52 |
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My sister's wedding. Two bridal showers, a bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, wedding and reception. I also have to shop for a skirt or something that matches the color of the bridesmaids dresses since being in the wedding sent me spiraling. A would be strapless knee-length dress I was terribly uncomfortable with, the idea of a jacket I couldn't stand, the fear of the groomsman I'd have to walk down the isle with, the people in the seats behind me, the eyes staring, the hair, the makeup, the responsibility as maid-of-honor...the FOOD.
I don't want to be rude, I would do everything asked of me if it didn't cause overwhelming anxiety, panic, depression, sleeplessness. One bridal shower will be at my cousin's or someone's parents' house, the other shower likely in Valencia, the bachelorette party in the desert somewhere, by the pool, in the sun, at a bar, and the rehearsal dinner unknown. I panic outside my safe places, I can't walk away to excape, to regroup. I'm held captive indefinitely. Fight or flight...I prefer flight. Just the thought of it all has me in a panic again. Dates are set and I am expected to show, enthusiastic, smiling and happy. The less I weigh the less painful? At least I know people won't talk to me as much and the snow in my head will have set in, allowing me to escape without effort. These days though I feel like I can't stop eating, eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat is all I heaar in my head. I even hear such things as marshmallows marshmallows marshmallows marshmallows marshmallows and bagels bagels bagels bagels bagels so I'm afraid to go to the store. Once something gets in my head it repeats itself over and over and over like a broken record until I eat it, and a lot of it. I've been stuck on Baja Fresh Burrito Ultimo with no meat. I don't know for sure how many calories are in it so it scares me to eat it but this is how I get depressed from not eating. Every time I ward off a craving my strength to endure diminishes. My current weight is unacceptable, regardless of the number on the scale or the size of my clothes. I'm uncomfortable and increasingly anxious, I want to stay in bed, turn the lights out, cover the windows. I FEEL fat. I SEE fat. There is flesh beyond the bone. That just will not do. My therapist understands, she's never been there but she understands what I'm saying and why and doesn't look at me like I have five heads, but everyone else does. They're either mad at me because I'm thin and still miserable [those people usually aren't thin and are unhappy about it] or they're mad because they think "just eat" like it's as simple as that. The third group isn't mad, they just think how lucky I am to have lost weight and how great it looks on me, even though I eat weird things, have even stranger rituals, always alone or else in a panic that someone might see me NEEDING or out of control. To be found wanting...People just don't get it, to be terrified of food. I don't even know what normal is to strive for it. Weight or size is what decides how my day or week will pan out. I really don't cut anymore. The desire is gone, except for spite I find I just sit with the anger and do nothing. My head screams and yet I only still consider cutting out of spite, look what you made me do, or more correctly,look what I had to do to servive [your careless stupidity]. I HATE when people...1. Use the word "nap" in reference to anyone other than a very young child or a cat. 2. Whistle 3. Sing to music in the company of [me]. 4. Swear in verbal conversation. 5. Verbally insult people (usually after they've gone) more than once or twice a day tops. 6. talk out loud to no one in particular. 7. talk in half sentences, even if they are just "thinking out loud." 8. produce sound from their voice box when they yawn, sneeze, gawk at the television, etc. 9. ask if you're going to throw up if you say you have a stomach ache. 10. use made-up words or crude phrases when referring to things such as instead of "seal the envelope" they say "goop it up" [i heard that one today] 11. taunt you for running late even though it isn't them who've been made to wait, taunt you for being tired [even though you never complain and you're tired because of nightmares or food issues] when they don't sleep and refuse to do anything about it except complain, gasp every time you show up early for work like they've just seen a pig fly, etc. 12. Call a business and start asking questions without FIRST stating their first AND last name, or call and say "Hi it's me." me who? "that's right" what's right? "me who" that's what I'm trying to find out, you who? "no, me who" (I think that's Shell Silverstein, A Light in the Attic , "Me Who and the Exactlywhat" or something). Anyhow, there's that record playing, I better go eat so I can go to bed in four hours *sigh* I have a new picture of me which I'll put up later. I have to scan it. It's one of about two pictures that I have ever liked of myself, but just like the other one, I need to remove my mother from the picture first *wink* marshmallows marshmallows marshmallows marshmallows
Last update: 23-01-2007 01:59
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