| Written by Diana, on 20-03-2007 04:48 |
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I fucking hate skinny people!!! How am I supposed to go out knowing there are people out there like this:
(ana warning)
I mean honestly. I'm searching for something to wear for my sister's wedding and all I see are images like this--people who have probably never known "fat" in their lives. It just makes me want to give up and crawl back into bed.
I've been totally in a worthless depressed mode, that's why no updates. I haven't even been getting on the computer to read email, just every three days or so. I haven't been exercising or taking pictures or really doing anything but laying on my bed looking through gettyimages.com, on & off for images for a new site, other times just looking around, not really searching for anything. I feel like I eat so much, I've surely gained a ton of weight (though of course all my clothes still fit) and I'll be obese for the rest of my life...I want to cut every now & then. I was showing my mother some dress ideas I had and "I'd have to wear a sweater over thise one" and "I can't wear that one because I wouldn't be able to put a sweater over it" and "that one just wouldn't look good on me" [because I'm not skinny enough] and she asked me if I'd ever want to see about getting rid of my scars. I wanted to scream so badly at her. She thinks I would ever want to get rid of them, I feel like SHE's ashamed of them. Anyhow, that's not even half of the reason why I won't wear sleeveless & low cut tops & dresses. She's clueless, they're all fucking clueless. I knew this guy a few years ago and he saw all of my scars and he asked me if I was ashamed. I said no and he said "good, you shouldn't be." My scars aren't the kind that people won't see just walking by (in other words they are VERY visible). I haven't worn short sleeves since 1999 or 2000 so it's not like i have a problem with it, it's just hard finding something to swear for specific occasions like this wedding. Everything is either strapples or sleeveless or at the very most short sleeved. All appropriate jackets cost $350 or more, even more than any dress I can find. The image I want for the site costs $150 at gettyimages.com but I have to buy my sister's gift ($100), my dress ($270), jacket ($60+), shoes ($60+), get my hair done ($100), my parents birthdays plus mothers & fathers day (two in May & two in June)...it's ridiculous how much money I have to spend on the tiny little budget I have. I figure if I can just buy less food...NO food would be nice.
I wake up most mornings unprepared, completely unable to function. I go to work every day because I HAVE to. Beyond that it's likely that I'll be found in or on my bed during the remaining 18 hours of every day. 24 whole hours on weekends. It's like I just CAN'T do anything. I JUST CAN'T do the things I usually enjoy. I don't know why except to say that it upsets me more to do the things I've always enjoyed and have them only make me feel worse. What's the point in getting out of bed?
For some reason I'm having this horrible problem with the skin under my nails not wanting to STAY attached to my nails. I currently have three nails where the skin constantly feels like it's beeing pulled away from the nail. Every "L" and "O" I hit are agonizing as well as each "A" or SHIFT. I just removed my nail polish so it's extra painful from the acetone.
WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?!?!?!!!!!
I hate sleeping. I would never sleep if it wasn't necessary (except of course when I was unable to do much else, like these past few weeks). I sit at work and beg people for work to do, I come home and do practially NOTHING for twelve hours and then sleep for about four.
I'm totally shocked that there have been votes on the poll. I used to have people participating in my forums and when those disappeared thanks to scripthost it seemed I had lost any hope of "participating" visitors. All the members who have registered though have been spam...porn sites and such. mail.ru ass holes. Four members are forum participants (three of which never actually said anything) but they seemed like they wouldn't spam me so they got the okay to join. I'm sure they don't know but at least I don't feel like this is all for nothing.
I spend a lot of time finding "thinspiration" and it's totally unintentional. I'll just be looking around the internet for whatever and I'll find something that I just have to have a copy of. Like the above, it pisses me off at the same time. After immersing myself in these images I turn around to the mirror and look about twice as large as when I started. It's really depressing. I doesn't even keep me from eating yet I waste my time on it. Nothing KEEPS me from eating in fact most things lead me to food. If there was a pill that didn't cost a fortune to obtain, I'd be taking it. I HATE that I eat, and I feel totally out of control. I can't help but buy it, I can't help but eat it, I can't help but STUFF MY FACE. Fuck.
I so don't talk like this either. I'm very "proper" for the most part. Silent unless I have something nice to say [for the most part]. I'm very clean and organized and I put things back where I found them and I don't wear jeans or hooded sweatshirts except on friday and I don't listen to music unless my sister's country is driving me nuts and then it's very quiet. My dishes don't sit in the sink for someone else to clean, I don't wake people up at night, I do everything I can to [essentially disappear]. Proper to me means not having anyone feel burdened by your presence; to be never labeled as inappropriate or "loud".
Owe my finger hurts.
Last update: 20-03-2007 07:01
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