| Written by Diana, on 03-04-2007 00:35 |
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 I'm so depressed. I'm soooo depressed! I got another dress in today to try for my sister's wedding and it's too big but I feel HORRIBLE in it. It's called a Ballerina Dress by As U Wish. The waist on dress sits at my natural waist and then I have a sash that would tie in the back but both those things combined makes me feel like my stomach is HUGE and the sweaters I got to go over it (it's very low and has spaghetti straps) don't cover my chest unless I button them or hold them closed and they're too long so they cover the sash. I have to wear a sweater though because it's way too much skin showing for me, and I have to at least have 1/2 sleeves because of scars [and I hate my arms]. This is the second dress I've tried, the first was boat neck and a-line from the chest down, but sleeveless and it made me look like I was pregnant or like I was trying to hide something that I don't actually have, it just didn't look good at all. I so just want to go on a liquid diet for the next 70 or so days and then I don't think there'd be any way I could still feel fat. Of course I could never do that, I just don't have the strength but I wish I did. Feeling ... skeletal would at least take away the feeling hideously fat issue. I just feel disgusting. If I can completely cover up and wear clothes that aren't fitted in any way, I might not be totally freaked out the whole time. I don't even have anything that I can just mix & match and make work. I have a skirt that's cute but it's a size seven, lined, and has an ugly bow. A seamstress would have to practially take the whole skirt apart to take it in and remove the bow. I'm so unhappy. I hate shopping because I hate everything that I try on. I can't handle going to a mall because it's just too much but I can see something really cute online and when I try it on, it looks nowhere near how it should look or how I thought it would look. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there until it's all over. I've never just been able to go shopping and find things I liked, I've never been comfortable with the way that I look, no matter how thin I get. Of course the thinner I am the less horrible I feel...I can't imagine ever being content and okay with my size or weight or whatever. Doomed to hate myself I guess. I've been taking wellbutrin for two weeks or so and I don't feel any better so far. I can't get anything done, it just all seems too overwhelming to start, or not at all enjoyable anymore. I wish I could work on a website but it doesn't feel like it could even possibly bring my mood up. It seems like an overwheling task to just decide how to lay everything out. What if no one likes it? Then all that work will have just been a failure. I have to do my taxes, I've put it off for three months and I only have 14 days left. Money really stresses me out. I haven't balanced my checkbook in about two months and I usually do it every month. I'm having trouble sleeping because I want to exercise, I want to get SOMETHING done, and I don't want tomorrow to come. The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I have to deal with tomorrow. I feel like Thursday is so far away, I'll see my therapist in the morning and then I'm on my own through Sunday, my parents are going to Arizona. I always hate being stuck in my room, hiding from my parents (or anyone else) but when i'm alone, even just for a night, I get a little panicky. Maybe because I know there's no one around, I'm free to do whatever and yet I can't, I still end up curled up in bed most of the time. Despite hating when people are around, always worrying if the footsteps I hear will end up at my door, it's kind of creepy when no one's here, it's quiet and I can hear everything outside and there aren't any window coverings in the family room or hallway or the kitchen so I don't like going out there very often, especially after dark. Only my room has mostly covered windows and my sister might be bringing people up here, maybe not, so I'll worry all weekend if people are going to show up, if I need to be showered and out of bed or whatever. I'm hardly motivated to get out of bed much less prepared for guests. Anyways..
Last update: 04-04-2007 01:28
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