| Written by Diana, on 04-04-2007 01:15 |
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 I hate shopping, I'm sure I've said it a million times. One outfit that CAN'T BE WHITE or strapless or sleeveless or even have short sleeves that's appropriate for a garden/evening wedding...I'm not sure it even exists. I've gone back to my pin stripe gray skirt with black lace/mesh layer underneath, possibly a black sweater I have here, possibly a pink embelished cami from victoria's secret, possibly none of the above. I just want to scream! everything is white, short sleeve or sleeveless, or costs a FORTUNE. I've found a few really cute tops but they're white. I found some adorable cropped jackets but they're cap sleeve or $500+. The wedding is in 66 days. I have about three outfits I have to return that looked really cute OFF. I'm crossing my fingers I'll find something before the end of april. Thend of next week would be ideal. I'm keeping a couple things a little longer to try with other things but I have a feeling it's all hopeless. Food is not my friend right now but in 66 days it could become my constant companion (bad news for any new outfits I buy).
I totally am not in a sleeping mood, I'm exhausted though. Last night I only got a couple hours of sleep. Work is really slow because there's little for me to do and I very much dislike filing. It's easier to be with myself when I'm too busy to notice. Everything is inching by very slowly. I'm not hungry but I really want food, any food would do. The more carbs the better. My father's been working from home this week and I'm not enjoying it. He keeps SPEAKING to me. I don't want to see people. I REALLY don't want to converse with my parents, especially since everything they say or ask is something I don't want to listen to or answer. I can't wait for therapy but I also don't want to be told to eat & sleep & leave the house once and a while. I just want to take a pill that helps. Wellbutrin doesn't appear to be that pill. I've tried SO MANY THINGS that caused horrible side effects or didn't work or wore off after a while. I think prozac worked. I know it made me not hungry and I liked that but I was also on seven or eight other things that didn't work or made so completely flat I wasn't depressed but I also wasn't at all happy, there was no energy or "joy" or humor or anything. That was mainly lithium. When I went on that I stopped writing, stopped painting, stopped everything. I just kind of existed. I told them that would happen, I had read about it, but they put me on it anyway. I was in the hospital the first time I believe and I really didn't have a say in that or anything else.
I still wish I could find some miracle cure that would turn my life around, allow me to finish college, even if just through NYU online, and allow me to LEAVE THE HOUSE. It's just not safe out there right now. I'm okay driving, I love driving usually, it's showering and getting ready that's a problem and when I get there is an even biggger problem. All I want to do is run away. In the grocery store I feel like it takes all my energy not to drop everything and run, get back to the safety of my car and my room here. Once I get in my car I can finally breathe again. It's horrible.
Last update: 04-04-2007 01:29
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