| Written by Diana, on 09-04-2007 22:36 |
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The first few words my mother said to me when they got back from Arizona were mean and uncalled for. She expects too much of people. Eight minutes after she told me they were home she came back angry that I hadn't asked them how their trip was yet, like the fact that I've told her to her face that I don't like her, that she'll never change, all the specific reasons I'm angry (after which she denies being a party to any of it, I don't know what i'm talking about blah blah blah) she thinks I give a shit how her vacation went. If yelling at me makes her feel better, fine, whatever but she's kidding herself if she actually expects that from me. I've never asked her how her vactions went, why would I start now?? I was expecting her to yell at me or us all day and when my sister returned from a client's house she let us have it and that was it for me. I've just had it. It's such bull shit, she's not herself if she doesn't pick a fight every now and then. I was already terribly depressed.
I think about death a lot. I've only ever considered death in a "when is my time coming" and "I wish it would come NOW" sense. I've never seriously considered bringing it upon myself. There are a lot of reasons for that, but death and what relief that would bring is constantly on my mind. The past 24 hours have been difficult. My sister and I (and the rest of my family) don't really talk about things like my mother picking fights. I stop functioning very efficiently and I'm on the verge of tears for hours and my sister and I are alone in the same room and we say nothing about it. I came home from work, said hi to my dad, went straight to my room and sat in silence on my bed for three hours. I don't know what to do with myself. Death beckons me. I finally turned on Little People Big World and the dad on the show is like depressed and avoiding the croud the last day of pumpkin season and said the fog was gone from the farm but it's moved into his head. I don't think I feel the snow right now. I wish I didn't want food as usual but this time in more of a waste away sort of way. I'm not going out there until everyone's gone to bed but I'm not hungry so it's fine right now.
I got the "Silk & Sequin Cami" pictured in a previous entry and it's really gross on. I'm convinced designers only make clothes for flat-chested people. I'm an 'A' and it really seems too big for the cami and the dresses that I've had and it's just ridiculous. A small corset wasn't small enough to do anything. My waist was the same size with it as it was without so I think I won't torture myself when the evening will alreay bee seriously uncomfortable.
I like to collect things. I have a left-handed violin, a right-handed electric violin, an electric Fender guitar and an amp, a flute, and I recently acquired a new pair of Capizio demi-soft pointe shoes (the demi-soft is a "pre-pointe" pointe shoe). That's just the stuff I don't actively use. They're beautiful instruments and I'm just so excited for the pointe shoes to come in. I've always wanted a pair, just to have. When I was little I owned tap shoes and ballet shoes (and did recitals) but threw them away years ago when they meant very little to me. I'd like to eventually get a pair of professional pointe shoes but they're expensive so those will wait. I wish I played the instruments and did ballet professionally but they're still cool to me.
My taxes are not started and I didn't finish balancing my checkbook last night. It's so overwhelming and it's never been a difficult task. I used to balance my checkbook monthly and get my taxes done way in advance but this year it's just been so difficult.
I wonder if my parents have gone to bed yet and I wonder if I'm going to get yelled at tomorrow for staying in my room all evening.
Last update: 09-04-2007 22:36
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