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the almost FAT-FREE powdered dehydrated version |
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| Written by Diana, on 01-05-2007 03:34 |
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So Provigil it is. It might be helping. The "fog" of depression might be lessened but fog of anxiety is quite possibly worse. Of course the pamphlet said that might happen but I don't need it right now. The wedding's in a month and 8 days. I don't have even the slightest desire to buy a new top to go with my skirt so an old black sweater will have to do. We're going to Macy's tomorrow to see if they have the shoes I want. If they don't, I probably won't look anywhere else for them. I have black strappy heels that will work. I have to buy ABBA "Sets" or something and see if I can get my hair to stay curled. I hate my hair up and I want to do something other than just leave it down & straight but it's taking me a lot of time to get the ABBA stuff because I've never been in the store that sells it so I'm having a hard time going at all. I should just order it online right now. I still haven't been sleeping much and food SUCKS. I was told the Provigil might help reduce my appetite (and then maybe I won't feel like I need to constantly be eating) but I'm not seeing that yet. I could really use that, even if it just took away a little of the panic that comes around 9pm when I don't have food in the house and I feel like I have to run to the store just so I'll have food in the house. It makes the panic go away but then I'm worried that I'll eat it all (which I usually end up doing) and then I hate myself for eating it all and it's a vicious cycle. Just to get rid of that would be nice. Usually, like tonight and last night, if I don't have food in the house and I can't run out and get some, it's hard for me to go to bed because I want food so bad and I end up drinking soda if there is any, very late in the night. This is where my "life is JUST TOO DIFFICULT" thoughts come in. Why can't I just eat like normal people and have normal thoughts about food? Why can't I just break down and go buy whatever I NEED regardless of whether or not I've been there before? Why can't I just go to bed at night and get up in the morning and fucking FUNCTION?!
My father's birthday is today thinks her massage is more important than celebrating his 60TH BIRTHDAY. If she can't figure out what's more important then she really must think a lot of herself. My dad saying she doesn't need to cancel it doesn't mean he actually believes that. It's him accommodating her as usual. She made him change his birthday dinner to Wednesday because she wasn't willing to reschedule her massage. Why she made it on his birthday in the first place, I have no idea. It's stupid. We should all have "other plans" on her 60th birthday. She wouldn't be quite as accomodating as my father.
My anxiety level is through the roof. I don't know if I can go looking for shoes tomorrow. I have to buy my father's birthday gift, no option there, but the shoes can wait (or be skipped all together). I find myself pacing in my room. I'm hungry but there's no food to even nibble on to curb my hunger and a soda would only make the anxiety worse. I think it's the Provigil. I haven't felt it this bad in a long time, it's debilitating. I also have to go buy food at the store. I'll probably just get rice cakes and fruit though. "Comfort food" doesn't really exist at the moment. I just need something to curb the hunger until I can eat (or rather, can't help BUT eat). I don't like the taste of soda. It's incredibly sweet with a pinch of bitterness. It makes my teeth feel weird, like it's coating them with a sticky film or something. It makes me crave crackers or bread or pasta or rice. Apples do that as well. They make me hungry for high-carb foods even if I've already eaten. I'm a very strict vegetarian (or as my mother would call me a pasta-tarian since I don't like vegetables) so carbs are a big part of my diet but I don't CRAVE them like I do after drinking soda and eating an apple. I'd be vegan if I didn't like cheese-flavored foods so much. I don't like cheese so much as I like Cheddar Gold Fish, White Cheddar Rice Cakes, Parmesan Risotto, [sometimes artificially] cheese FLAVORED foods. I'm more into the almost FAT-FREE powdered dehydrated version. It doesn't feel so much like CHEESE that way and it's easier to go on living with myself.
I feel like I'm just going to lose my mind, the anxiety is so bad. I feel like I need to call in sick (like that would ever happen) and just stay under the covers. I don't know if I can handle the comming day. One day down and four whole days left to go. Last weekend was just too short. With the shower Saturday there was no time to recuperate from the stress of the previous week.
Last update: 01-05-2007 03:34
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