| Written by Diana, on 05-06-2007 03:25 |
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I am so beyond worried about the wedding. I was going to make an appearance friday at this dinner we're having for out-of-towners so they don't have to have room-service for dinner after flying/driving all the way out here, but I was expecting WAY TO MUCH of myself. I figured it would cut down on the shmoozing I'd have to do at the wedding, and therefore make it easier, but it's a whole additional event that I can't handle. Wednesday is the rehearsal dinner which is extra because I'm not in the wedding and equally as stressful to think about as the friday event. Last night (Sunday night) I was feeling an ear infection coming on, which I tend to get ALL THE TIME just from getting water in my ear(s) when I shower, and I was already feeling sick to my stomach about the whole week. There's so much going on that's causing anxiety, too much to list each thing. I saw my therapist this morning and wore my skirt, shoes, and jewelry that my sister gave me just for that hour (+driving time) and then went home to change. It was even more stressful to know I was uncomfortable in pretty much the whole outfit. I went in with the back left of my jaw hurting too much to chew and practically too much to talk. I spent the whole time trying not to move my jaw too much or laugh because it pressed against whatever part of my ear [area] that was causing me pain. I've acquired a few Klonopin pills to try to calm me down enough so that I don't completely lose my mind. I have to drive back to my therapist's office (an hour drive there & back) to pick it up tomorrow. I didn't think I'd get it since it requires prior authorization and I still have to TEST IT to make sure it doesn't put me to sleep. She was very nice to offer a third appointment this week but thinking about the wedding makes me more anxious and TALKING about it makes me feel like if I don't SCREAM or have a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN it will be miracle. I'm so worried, there are no words to describe...I want to call it all off. Email me pictures. I'll watch the video. I'm supposed to be working on an update for the Dynamic gSitemap, a project I actually enjoy working on but I am so on the verge of a nervous breakdown that I can't even play mindless card games on pogo. I'm surprised I'm here writing but it seemed like an option. My so-called ear infection has turned into a swollen knot around the area where my jaw ends. I took Aleve this afternoon and the pain went down enough for me to eat and now it's just this swollen area that's rather painful. I have no idea what or why or how long until it disappears mysteriously but I hope it's gone soon so I can avoid the doctor and so I don't have the added stress on the wedding day. My father started working at my office today ("Family owned & operated" just welcomed one more) and it's stressing me out. I worry that he's bored or something. I remember filing on my first few days and being bored to death. And he's supposed to be retired so I feel even worse, like what if he's so bored he wants to go back to be retired but he's not willing to tell my mother that? My sister's taking most of the week off but she's also taking next week off for her honeymoon. What's she going to do this week...tan? That annoys me to no end. I feel like i'll have to cover for her and my mother tomorrow and entertain my dad so he doesn't get bored. Things at work were comfortable and easy and now crazy and confusing and DIFFICULT again. I fell asleep earlier and woke up full of worry. It's 2:45am and I have to get up at 8am or so to run out to my therapists office for the Klonopin. I really just need to crawl into bed and stay there for a day or so. I need sleep. I need seclusion. I don't know how else I'm going to manage to stay in one piece through all this. No one understands how incredibly difficult these things are except my therapist. I've lived with these people my whole life and they don't get it, or don't accept that they don't get it. They seem to assume that things couldn't possibly be this difficult. (If i you've ever had anxiety about EVERYTHING, social phobia, agoraphobia, ...a general fear of everything then you'd undersand that yes, things are really this difficult.) In two weeks life should be back to "normal," the wedding will be over and my sister will be back to work, so hopefully things will be easier then as well. My parents are also going to our condo for Father's Day weekend so I'll have that time alone here. I definitely need that, even though being alone here also produces a good deal of fear in me.
Last update: 25-06-2007 22:43
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