| Written by Diana, on 27-06-2007 04:53 |
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there're all these things I wish I could do so I spend money on various stuff that you would buy if you COULD do them and then when I get them and can't do these things I partly regret buying said things and partially feel regret and a loss of self esteem because I can't do these things and can't just run out and learn them, you know, because I can't "just run out" and do anything, especially anything that I could humiliate myself at each time I do it. Humiliation comes in the form of outfits that have to worn, lack of skill, etc. There are so many things I wish I could do and would easily humiliate myself if I tried that I end up buying a lot of things I'll never use unless it's in the privacy of my own home. For example, I always wanted to learn the violin so I bought a violin, then a left handed violin, then an electric violin (which is totally cool) and then I gave away the first violin to my elementary school. I bought myself a flute years ago because I played in 5th grade. I wanted my own and I wanted to play again but I never did. Then I bought an electric guitar because I wanted to learn to play that (my father was learning acoustic guitar) but after a few times practicing, my fingers hurt and quickly gave up. Now this ballet pointe shoe thing...I did tap & ballet when I was young and did recitals and everything and I love watching ballet (as long as it's not The Nutcracker) so I decided to buy pointe shoes just to have a pair. Now I've got all the padding and different ribbons and I know what all the parts of the shoe are and I'm expecting my 2nd pair in two months or so. I even have pointe videos on pre-pointe strengthening, beginning, and even advanced pointe. Now, with this Fluidity Bar I even have a "barre" to work with, although the mat isn't really wide enough for 2nd position and definitely doesn't go high enough for pointe work, once on pointe it's no longer of any use it's so low. You TOTALLY have to be strong to one, balance on pointe, and two, just to have the write position. Every muscle in your legs, stomach, and back are used just to stand up straight and even more so to stand on pointe without balancing at the barre. Luckly, the DVDs I got don't have particularly thin or attractive dancers in them because this all makes me feel SO FAT. I did feel like I got a workout and I'm afraid my calves are going to be in pain tomorrow but I still feel totally fat. I SOOO wish I could stop eating or at least eat under 1000 cals a day. I've so lost that ability and I hate myself for it. It's been over six months since I was able to REALLY control what I ate. Although I don't center my life around it right now, it's still all I think about. Every calorie I consume makes me uneasy.
Last update: 27-06-2007 04:53
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