| Written by Diana, on 07-08-2007 05:00 |
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I want to cut so bad for the first time in a really long time. I had a nightmare last night that's left me shaken and there's no way I'm sleeping tonight. Screaming at the top of my lungs but no one comes to save me. I hate sleeping. I still have three hours though. It's one of the few things that still brings me to tears despite my meds. I want so badly to waste away, I never stop wanting that, every second of every day. I don't know what's happened. I ate some watermelon and some rice cakes but besides that I've just had [frozen] lemonade and raspberry lemonade but that's added up to 1366 cals. I just can't do it anymore and it's killing me. If I wasn't on medication I'd be constantly in tears. I hate myself and what I see in the mirror and how I feel and how I think my clothes look and how I walk and what I say and...Every day I criticise myself for eating yet I can't stop myself. The self-loathing is overwhelming. I want to shut my eyes but I'm too afraid I'll fall asleep. I don't know what I'm going to do for the next three hours...I wish I could go running or workout or something but I can't walk around outside without freaking out and it's way to damn hot to workout. I went Sunday to get my sister's birthday gift and all I did was walk half way around a block to the store and back and when I got to my car my whole body ached and I had a really bad headache, I was so scared walking to and from the store. I went to borders Friday and just the short walk to and from my car was terrifying. On sunday we went out to dinner and on the way back to the car with my sister and her husband, the lights in the parking lot were making our shadows look like there were people walking behind us and it was so hard not to panic and look for peope around. Since my sister was there I tried to just rationalize something I couldn't and I ended up having to turn around to see if there were people behind us. With the robbery, I'm afraid to be alone in the house. My car is always parked across the "street" at the top of the dead end so I worry that whoever did it will come back and think my car is the neighbor's car and that no one's home. I even sleep with the TV on so there's always the idea that someone's home. My mother talks about her sleep in relation to mine like we're the same...she just can't sleep though. She'd love to sleep if she could but I don't want to sleep, I'd do anything not to have to sleep, and when I do sleep it's usually full of only true to life nightmares, "night terrors" my therapist has called them. Like they actually happened, memory and feeling, and that's the worst part. I'm always tired but I can deal with tired. I can't deal with memories of bad things. I'm just not that strong. I don't deal with blaring guilt, just minor guilt but just the memories are more than I can handle most days.
"I want so badly to be able to eat that but I would never in a thousand years allow myself to enjoy anything." - M. M.
"I'd sell this house if I knew it was going to make her better." - Mr. M.
Of those people with anorexia, who hasn't considered death as a final result?
Lucky Marisa's parents are filthy rich so six weeks in the hospital probably didn't break the bank.
Last update: 07-08-2007 05:00
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