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Words 2001 Words, June 2001 serenity come and gone | serenity come and gone |
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I miss the hospital. Everything was so calm there. When I was there I felt like everything was going to be okay. But I'm not so sure anymore. I feel like my problems are just being masked by large amounts of medication. Everything's still there and it wants to come out. I an feel it ready to break the seams that hold me together. I have this foreboding sense of failure. No one called me about the job at Pac Sun. I'm okay with not working there but I'm having trouble with being rejected. It makes me question whether I'll ever get a job. I've been out of school since April and going through my daily routines makes me feel desperate and out of control. Imperfect. I see my life as though it were an HBO miniseries. I don't sleep anymore. I can't get myself to even try to sleep. I distract myself by writing pages for either of my sites that take maybe a week to finish--that's how long they are. Pages that just go on forever in the html and JavaScript sense but appear simple. That way I know I worked hard and everyone else just thinks it's really well put together, etc. I think I'm getting over my ed. My therapist asked me how it was going. I said good in her way but bad in mine. It's the truth. I'm getting over it like you get over some stupid fad. It eventually just floats away piece by piece until it's gone. I've been wearing my size 7 jeans. I'm not happy with that. I'm trying to go back to eating how I did before I went to the hospital because just before I went in I was at 110 and I was ecstatic. I want to get back to that but under the right circumstances, food makes my life that much better. I've been off of caffeine for almost two months until today. I'm just having a hard time today. On Wednesday it really hit me that Ren's getting sold. I don't know how I'm going to go on without him. It pains me to see him. Last update: 22-06-2001 03:47
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