| Written by Diana, on 11-09-2007 03:28 |
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I'm so sick of being -- being alive, being in this body, being me. My mother makes stupid comments that make me feel bad. My parents put food in the house and in my face that scares me. I'm going to be fat real soon if I don't get a handle on this panic, this feeling in my head that I'm starving even though I just ate. I've tried everything I can think of to eat enough but not too much and to keep the panic away but I've been unsuccessful. The darker side of life creeps in when my herculean efforts prove futile. My mother tries to understand but she's kidding herself. They all are. I'm only acting when I humor them with answers to their endless questions. I'm tired of food. I'm tired of my head overruling my heart. The survival mechanism is involuntary. This just isn't what I choose.
ThinkFree.com has a *free* online version of MS Word, Excel and PowerPoint. I tested the spreadsheet program online and there are definitely features lacking and even some possible bugs. My spreadsheet had a few columns of data and a chart, a line graph which I set up in the OpenOffice.org's Calc software. One column was calculated and it equaled the average to date of values in another column. Here's my function from cell C3: ((C2*(ROW(C2)-1))+B3)/((ROW(C3))-1). It was then pasted into each cell to create an ongoing average with an increasing number of values. This is a perfectly allowable function according to OpenOffice.org Calc and MS Excel 2007 but ThinkFree.com's spreadsheet labeled it a "circular function" and zeroed out my data. Each time I tried to recalculate the cells, it zeroed out more data. It also lacked the text orientation function that allows you to turn data sideways, say for a y-axis label. It definitely needs some work before I will continue using it. We use Ctrl+P a lot at my work to print from our management system, sometimes it's the only print option and I don't know how this will work with a browser-based suite. Definitely some questions that need answers, especially that regarding MS Outlook: Will there ever be a compatible OpenOffice.org program to replace it? How about ThinkFree.com, do they have any plans to add this feature? PowerPoint is the last MS Office program I would ever use but Outlook is on the very top of that list.
It's way late and I should be asleep. I told my self a thousand times today that I would go to bed early, eat less, and have a better week. I ate less but my sleep is always a problem. It also contributes to the eating problem because I eat more after my parents go to bed. They're not around to judge so I have no boundaries except when it comes to my food and theirs. Sometimes I venture into their cupboards when I'm all out but I try to stick to my own purchases. I try not to eat during the day mainly because I know I'll probably get myself into trouble later in the evening. It's always a possibility, even when the cupboards are sparse. I usually manage to create some edible concoction. We always have some sort of pasta in the house and that's a huge trigger food for me. I can take any pasta, add soy sauce, rice vinegar and chili oil and I'm ready to go. There's just no way I can get rid of it. My mother says it's my fault I can't keep from eating them, not theirs for keeping it in the house. That would be an okay statement if I wasn't me, with the ailments I have, in this body of mine. They say it's fine that I eat it but that's as good as handing me the bowl of pasta and telling me to eat up. It's sickening, it's tiring, she lied to me at least twice today and all I have to say is she's never read a single book so she could understand a tiny fraction of what a normal day for me is like. Five years ago it infuriated me. Today I've just come to terms with the fact that no one cars. Thanks for nothing. "The help and support of friends and family" my ass. When and if I choose to seek recovery, I'll be in it alone. Just me, myself, and I, together forever.
Next Monday Mary Kate Olson has her first episode on Weeds (from Showtime). It may be good but she also just looks like the skanky drug addict she portrays in real life. I'm not saying she's a skank or a drug addict, just that she seems to favor that look over the old stylish and uh "clean" look she adorned just a few years ago. I don't care what color her hair is (aside from that bad-dye-orange), or that she likes to wear a t-shirt and leggings outside her home, but when you have that much money and that much fame, NEVER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT SHOWERING. She looks like a street hooker or a homeless drug addict on her worst days, and like someone who's misplaced their comb and forgot to change out of her PJ's on her best. Ratty t-shirt, black leggings, and the local prostitute's platform heels?...there's just nothing worse. Fashion icon she's not, fashion disaster, maybe.
Last update: 11-09-2007 03:28
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