| Written by Diana, on 28-06-2006 00:15 |
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I had Angelina Jolie (sp?) Inside the Actors Studio on, it's really hard watching people say things you feel but can't put into words. I want to cut and it's been so long since I've wanted to do that. Fortunately I know it will just make me feel worse, I only feel good about it when it's so awful that it takes two years to heal (scar), when I'm in the hospital for it, when there's someone new who finds out because it, shock and awe. My right arm is burning, I don't know why. I mean really buring. Work...it's so uncomfortable, everyone found out I was leaving today, everyone that is who was still there after 3pm. There will be more people who find out tomorrow, and more next week. There are a lot of people on vacation. My supervisor still hasn't said a word to me about it. My x-supervisor was pretty cold, she called me for a favor and I guess since I won't be around to cover her ass, there isn't much for her to be happy about. She should be happy I'm leaving. One of the owners was pretty short about it and the other was very professional as usual. The new office manager's been great but I'm leaving so it doesn't matter. There are a few people I'll really miss, and a few I wish I could take with me, keep them in a little box in my drawer to pull out whenever I needed. All I see is fat in the mirror, it's all I feel. I purchased size 2 pants online and they're huge on me. I've never been this small in my life. I'm afraid to get a size 0 because it just seems impossible that I'll ever fit in them. I still see a size 12. People keep touching me. "Oh we're going to miss you!" and an arm across my shouilders. I want to shower but I don't want my mother suspecting, wondering. She thinks she's worthy of knowing the first thing about me. It's all accidental, everything. I was completely in control until a shirt sleeve slipped, a book was discovered, a hospitalization. There's no emotion, there never has been. Control's taken and I can't handle anything. That's what always goes wrong. Someone always gets in my way.
Last update: 28-06-2006 00:15
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