| Written by Diana, on 02-01-2006 01:11 |
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Man I am NOT GOING TO MAKE IT much longer like this, thinking these thoughts. I've had my TV on, reading a book with a soda in my hand all day or playing pogo.com trying to make the hopelessness go away but it's not working. I read about a page of "how I stayed alive..." and was crying so hard I had to put it down. That's how it goes with that book. It'd probably be helpful if I could read more than a page at a time. I don't know why it upsets me so much. I'm so imobilized by this that it's hard for me to even get out of bed. Staying in my room except to cook food is an absolute must but it's even hard to sit at the computer. I was reading Harry Potter #6 and I had to skip over all the parts that didn't have any humor associated with them. I'd like to put in a funny movie or cartoon but I'm not sure I have any. I can usually have a cartoon on because it doesn't require any emotional committment whatsoever and just provides some distracting noise. Crying is such a waste of energy and it just makes me feel more hopeless because I usually don't know why I'm crying. I woke up this morning not really sure how I was going to leave my room because it LOOKED like I had been crying. Work is so hard these days, I HATE being there. We're supposed to have a meeting Thursday with the owners about how our department's "operations lead" isn't working and we're having to cover for her but I'm dreading that too. I wish they'd just take care of it themselves and stop making us tell them everything she isn't doing. If I had a job secured elsewhere and I knew it'd be better, I'd quit in a second. I am so depressed, how am I ever going to get out of this? They just increased my medication too, I should be feeling better. I did for a while but everything's gone downward since then. Last time I was in the hospital it was because I was feeling the way I feel now. It's not an option and I don't think I even got much out of it the last time I went, except maybe greater disdain for the entire mental health system. I need some "Eat Less" or similar pills so I can always feel full and go on a liquid diet. I'm always more comfortable with myself when I'm at that "too thin" point. I feel so disgustingly fat right now that I know that's at least adding to my hopelessness. It's not the cause but I don't need things adding to it right now. damnit damnit damnit damnit...what am I going to do...
Last update: 02-01-2006 01:11
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