| Written by Diana, on 27-12-2005 23:40 |
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There is a hopelessness I can't rid myself of. I get lost in my head, somehow not able to feel anything. Everything closes in like a fog and all that's left is my self, a twisted mess of everything bad and evil. I never know where to go from here, or how to get out. It's been ages. It's not like I chose to be like this. It's not my fault, I try not to be uncaring but I just ... there's nothing there, it's fake. So and so passed away, okay good to know. And go on with my day. Why is that? For whatever reason, it's been ages since there was feeling behind anything. It's always just pretend. Ask me how I feel about something and I can only tell you what I think I should feel. Why am I crying? No idea. I don't think it's because I'm sad. I don't cut because I'm angry, it just seems the most logical answer. There's a wall though, something I hit when I look too hard for a reason, or something to feel. There's more to it than sad, angry, whatever. I'm just not willing to go there. Giving it a name seems to diminish it's importance, it's intensity. Crying seems unnecessary, a waste of energy. It's worse than that. Like crying in a sad movie, how dumb. Like screaming bleeding crying wasting away all at once, it's worse still. It's like I've spent that last nine years trying to express a feeling I can't name. God damn anyone who tries to do so.
Last update: 27-12-2005 23:40
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