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and then SMACK! I feel like crap again |
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| Written by Diana, on 04-11-2005 02:41 |
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No, I'm not being neglectful, I just feel so awful these days that sitting here writing ... just the thought of it makes me feel worse. I feel very large. Last weekend I was home alone and had about 500 cals of rice friday (in addition to my regular 7-800) and about had nervous breakdown. What have I DONE??? kept running through my head, all I could think was how can I take it back? with an obvious answer. Saturday I had pasta with the same concern. I feel so large I'm afraid to spend too much time sleeping because what if the calories turn into fat just because I went to bed two hours too early? When I look in the mirror my legs look huge to me and it really scares me. I keep thinking cutting will take my mind off it. I feel like shit all of the time. Things are always either really bad or not great, they're never good anymore. Even when good things happen, they aren't good enough to make me feel "good." We just got raises, and I can smile and say I'm really happy about mine but really I just feel...not upset about it. A smaller raise would have only been slightly disappointing. It's like I don't feel good about anything anymore, not for more than a couple seconds anyhow. and I mean SECONDS and then SMACK! I feel like crap again. Today (yesterday) at work someone asked if I would be a backup for IT, to reboot the server, reset the router, etc. if no one from IT was in the office to deal with it. I've been trying to get my foot in the door of the IT department for over a year and as much as I'm sure I'll never get all the way in, it'd be nice to at least be a part of it. coding & billing & quality control are getting very routine so I'm taking all the additional work I can get outside my department. I used the metabolic calculator on the fheit.com website and it told me that to maintain my weight I'd have to have 1517 cals a day (...uhem) and if I wanted to lose 20 lbs (I'd weigh about 80lbs) I'd have to have only 767 cals. I only have about 850 right now, 1300 or less on the weekends and I don't weight 80lbs. I'm not even close. I don't even see myself as losing. It's such a joke. Every month I try a new weight loss pill and I haven't found anything that does ANYTHING. Maybe my body doesn't want to weigh less. Not like I'm willing to let that keep me from my persuit of "thin" but...it's a cause to consider. man I feel like crap.
Last update: 04-11-2005 02:41
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