| Written by Diana, on 12-07-2005 00:49 |
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Have you ever tried to tell, say your therapist, that you cut and then really HONESTLY want to tell him or her how badly you felt? What you were REALLY feeling before doing it?? Somehow, when I tell my therapist I've cut, or when I pull up my sleeve to show her so that I don't actually have to SAY IT, I lose that "slicing myself open was my only way to survive" seriousness that I really TRULY feel. Sometimes I even let out a chuckle, or maybe that's insanity's chuckle, the one that doesn't mean anything, where the horrors of the world seem...humerous. I lose seriousness when I try to say something serious....Funny. I hate how after I cut, my arm/leg/whatever itches like hell. I wish I could have constant wounds all over. These days I'm only able to have one every 3-4 months without feeling guilty or having to "think about how this is going to effect my future." Aren't there nice guys out there who cut or used to cut who would understand if I cut once in a while? I want more than this but at the same time I want this AND more. I want to be as thin as possible, I want to cut, I DON'T want to have flashbacks, and I do want to meet a nice guy and get married. (No kids please.) This mexican...man (I can't tell how old he is) who empties the trash around 9pm in the building I work in always says hi to me because I'm always STILL there when he comes and tonight he asked me if I was working (yes) and then told me I work too hard. Go figure, he empties the trash and hardly speaks english, I wanted to say "gotta work hard to get what you want" but that sounded like it could be taken the wrong way. My plan wasn't to put him down so I just laughed and shook my head. He finished his rounds and asked my name, and then introduced himself (Tomas) and said to have a good evening. Strange, as much as I get stares and WHISTLES and sick comments, I've never had a stranger talk to me like I'm human. Anyhow, I wish I could get out of the office earlier so I didn't have to talk to him, he makes me uncomforatble. Guys who are "friendly" make me uncomfortable, they're the guys who seem like they aren't sure if they can talk to me. I can't tell what they're thinking because they never SAY anything.
Last update: 12-07-2005 00:49
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