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this one was me five months ago |
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| Written by Diana, on 12-06-2005 01:29 |
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I so much want to work on this site. I hate that I have to go to work and drive so far and don't have the time anymore to design websites. I want to work on this site but all the ideas in my head are so focused on food and weight and pictures of people I want to look like. I don't want this to be the old pro-ana hang out it used to be, but that means it's not getting updated like it used to either. I don't have the energy to be inspirational, sympathetic, or even very understanding. I want to skip all the effort and just be these bones. I want to be the picture that everyone uses as thinspiration. That’s what I strive to be, worth that kind of envy. Is it maybe time to share a picture of myself? Five years of semi-anonymity seems long enough I guess. This one was me five months ago. I look kind of bad because of my expression but I was ninety-something here. I don't weigh much more right now, I'm probably around 105 but I'm so disgusted. Every time I look in the mirror or look down at my body I want to cry. Everywhere I look I see excess. I feel obese. I’ve decided on the new design for the site. Actually, I’ve had this design in my mind for some time now, probably two years. It’s a mimic of a flash site called betsylyon.com, though she’s redesigned since I was first there. It’s very compact but at the same time has room for a lot of material. It’s flash so of course mine won’t be the same and I’ll be designing from scratch based on old screenshots so it will be quite unique to what I’m used to seeing. My colors will definitely be different, but I’ll probably have photos of people as my staple. I haven’t decided on the specific layout yet, or colors; however, I hope for it to be high-tech but clean at the same time. I hate flashy and unorganized. As a visitor, I hate having to scroll or search for my navigation. I just want to walk in and have it be obvious, without a lot of unnecessary objects floating around. Well, I was going to try to sleep without meds tonight just to see if I could but I’m kind of wanting to take a handful instead so I should probably just take one and sleep. I took apart my laptop today. I unscrewed everything, checked for problems, cleaned each big and small piece, and put it back together. All the buttons work better, the touchpad mouse clicks again, but the computer still doesn’t run properly even after formatting the hard drive last night. It still claims to have irreparable damage. I can’t buy a new hard drive right now. It seems like it gets really hot but I cleaned out the fans and the area around them and still it’s running hot. I feel like after all the meds and the groups and everything I’ve done that I shouldn’t have nights like this, hopeless nights and weekends where I feel like it’s useless to try anymore, like it’s time to finally give in.
Last update: 12-06-2005 01:29
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