| Written by Diana, on 10-07-2001 23:18 |
| Views |
107  |
|
|
|
I was watching a movie today. I hate how when someone dies in movies, the person who lives starts freaking out and says if they had walked in first, then they would have died instead of the other person. If only. I hate that. If only sure but someone had to die. It would have been a death in any way. Someone had to die so why not them. I hate that. You know, I have done my best to explain to those listening about my problems and recently about my eating disorder (but not as much). I spent a small part of the day with someone who knows more about me than anyone. Some days I can't believe I told her so much. This person I didn't know. This person who I know nothing about. A person who was not my friend. Well, it seems that the less I know a person, the more willing I am to tell all. I think that's where my webpage came from.
I'm more comfortable and more willing to talk to all of you. You who won't ever be able to judge me and then tell me to my face what my faults are. I needed to tell someone. When I was sure I had an eating disorder and couldn't tell anyone I knew, I went to my webpage and told all. Now I want to tell all but there's nothing left to tell. Yes, three entries in one day should prove that. I've spent the day wandering around in a trance, staring into space because I have so much to say, yet I'm at a loss for words. God what do I do? I want to send my friend a letter every day she's gone but how does that look? I don't want to be annoying yet I guess I'm a little desperate for a friendship. She seemed happy to see me today. "Can I give you a hug" she asked. There was nothing to say. I couldn't tell her no. It only made me more uncomfortable in that terrible uncomfortable situation. I tried walking past the nurse's station without anyone seeing me. It was so hard being there. But now that I've taken that step I don't want to ruin this friendship by seeming desperate. I want to be close friends by the time she gets back to California. Knowing how the two of us are, I am having a hard time believing that we can keep this friendship going through all of this. I want more people to tell. It was quite happy telling my mother saying "ha ha I DO have the courage to do this all on my own" and I know I got some sympathy but my mother doesn't know how much I want to keep her as my friend. And she doesn't know how hard it was for me to go back there. I'm sure my friend thought I was acting weird so I'm glad I told her I was uncomfortable. Then I wasn't forced to try to hide it--I would have failed miserably. I'm a terrible liar. Whenever my therapist tells me to do something (by that I mean suggests that I do something to keep me from staying inside all the time and only going to places I know) I have been hard pressed to do it. The latest thing was going to the hospital to visit this friend. I did it. I did it without really thinking which is good because if I had had time to think about it I wouldn't have done it. Another time she suggested that I go to this book store in old town--a place I really don't like and I went, and I loved it. I've been back several times and when she asked me to get a job application I did it. I asked if they were hiring and when they told me where to go for an application I went. I filled out the app. and went back by myself and turned in the app. Sometimes I feel so good about myself that I just have to tell someone. But there's never anyone to tell. I have to revel in my happiness alone. As usual. And as usual I sit here waiting for tomorrow to come so that I can lie again. I got on the internet and looked up Remuda Ranch and in reading the first page I almost started to cry. I fear that I'll lose a friend to this place. I've got to find something better to do. Today's not a day I want to end with tears. I was happy two minutes ago. See what I do to myself? It's killing me.
Last update: 04-12-2006 08:14
Users' Comments (0) 
|
|
|
Words 
