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what I did, or what was done to me (?) |
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| Written by Diana, on 22-02-2005 23:45 |
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I think I've gained like 10lbs overnight. My therapist says she was thinking i've lost but i'm having a hard time grasping that. I want to cut so bad...i mean i really badly want to cut long & deep. Flashbacks & night terrors (?) that feel, i feel like i'm going to black out they're so real. As much as i want them to end, there's this guy. I think he's why they're so bad but i also am starting to think that if i was with someone i trusted, they either wouldn't happen so often or they wouldn't effect me so much when they did happen. i feel like no one would ever want me, but there's this guy...and like a kid he'll poke me in the side and walk away, or bump into me on purpose. I wish he'd just kiss me and spare me the confusion. When I think of him, for a moment I can't s smiling, but then it hits me, i mean like a punch in the face, in the chest, in the stomach, he couldn't really want me, not if he knew...My computer crashed Saturday. It took me until 3am Sunday to get Windows to boot, then it crashed again. It took me all of Sunday to get it stable enough to find the problem and I've been preparing ever since to replace the hard drive. It will be at least next weekend before I'll get the new hard drive up and running. I always loved computers...and math, because when a problem comes you diagnose it and fix it (or vice versa in this case). it's all in limbo right now though, not what I'm used to at all. I'm preparing to do a major thing and I've never done it before and can't be sure it will work. It's freakin' me out. My life is on that computer and at $2500 I can't replace it right now. I had 900 calories today, 3 caffeine pills, and now I'm going to exercise for an hour to work off this weight I think I've gained...and hopefully lose the urge to bleed profusely. I've almost got 2.1GB (of 20GB) moved off my computer to CD-RW's. The "supervisor" for my department who's been telecommuting from Arizona talked about working in our L.A. office (where I work) for a week or two while her kids are on spring break. That just makes me want to lose more weight. shock and awe comes to mind. She makes me feel the way my mother makes me feel except she weighs about 3 times my mother and i can't avoid her without quitting my job. I'm always afraid, when i meet a really sweet guy how he'll take what I did, or what was done to me (?), how it might hurt at first for us to be together, not just hurt me but him when i'm upset. he seems sweet, and strong, like he'd be okay but i don't really know him so i can't be sure. that's what really scares me, to lose him and have him prove what i've always feared, that i'm ruined permanently. my daily ritual of showering for an hour isn't making me feel better anymore, i don't even want anyone to come near me until i'm clean, until i've scraped away the stench of _him_ that covers every inch of me. when i smell it, sense it hovering, i get nauseous. i'll scrub parts of my skin raw and still not feel i've made a dent. 12:13am
Last update: 22-02-2005 23:45
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