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Words 2005 Words, January 2005 as skinny as they keep insisting | as skinny as they keep insisting |
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It's almost 1am and I'm going to bed without getting on my bike. I'm on a roll I think for making myself feel bad. Last weekend I "binged" the way I do which just means a massive plate of pasta and cheese but three days of that and I was sure I'd gained wait and I'd never get back. I haven't purged in four years and I just couldn't handle it this time around. I cut thursday too and it had been about six months, the longest ever that i'd gone without it. 'm starting both of those runs over now I guess. I can't believe I feel so bad. Usually I can verbalize how or why or something. And now my parents are home after a week at the condo because my dad had a heart attack last week. Now they're just...here. I so wish they weren't. The food and the cutting and work sucks right now and I had this two hour conversation with a woman there and came home so depressed, I won't be doing that again soon. I don't know why it hit me like that. I'm watching the Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey reality tv show and Nick's cool but Jessica is the most dumb ass freakin' person I have ever seen. I'm not supposed to lose anymore weight. I'm not supposed to cut either but I can't help feeling like a total waste of everyone's time. As much as I look for the slightest signs that I'm as skinny as they keep insisting, I can't see it and it's killing me to think I could stand to maintain or even gain a pound. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of everything I see looking hideously fat. I'm just tired. I'm going to bed. Last update: 22-01-2005 01:44
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