| Written by Diana, on 13-07-2001 16:04 |
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I haven't wanted to cut so badly since I was in the hospital. Months ago. Feels like yesterday. I really feel like crying over the losses I will be enduring in the days to come. I've lost one friend to her eating disorder--she could be gone for up to nine months and I'll be working my hardest to keep the friendship going until she returns. Her birthday's in about a month and I've already gotten her present--I hope she loves it as much as I do. I'm losing another friend in a month because she's moving to New York for college. While I sit here trying to figure out if I can work up the strength to return to school. I'm not feeling very confident. And last, but in no way the least, I'm losing my best friend of all--my horse. I've had him for four years and he's always been there for me. It makes me so happy to see him. I forget all of my troubles when I ride and that will be gone in just a few short months--providing someone wants to buy him--the scariest thing I can imagine right now.
My mother finally got the guts to fire the lady who work(ed) for her who is an "unproud-to-be-armenian" woman who really feels sorry for herself and expected my mother to be easy and give into her demands. She finally got what was coming to her. For once, I am proud of her (my mother) for doing what needed to be done. I woke up this morning and didn't even think about what I was--or wasn't--going to eat for breakfast. I had two quesadillas (sp?) and didn't think a thing of it until I was done. Yay me. Woo Hoo. Unfortunately I'm hating right now. My size 5 jeans don't fit anymore (well, I can put them on but they're really tight) and it's really hurting me right now. I used to fit into my sister's size 3 jeans. That was just a month or so ago. What's the hell's wrong with me? I think now that I've gotten over what I missed in the hospital I will have an easier chance at giving it all up again as soon as I get a job or something to fill the hours of my day. I won't have time to think about it. Right now the only way to get my mind off of food is to either eat something like watermelon or an apple or soda--something that will fill my stomach that's also fat free and low in calories--or to bake something. I've gotten into baking pies for two reasons: first, after finding out what is in the crust I'll never eat a pie ever again (not like I've ever had pie before) and second, pies are not my choice of tasty food. I really hate pies actually but I'm great at making them. It fills my day and it keeps me from thinking about food...believe it or not. I've been told my pies are beautiful. I enjoy hearing it almost as much as I enjoy hearing that everyone loves them taste-wise. I hate my life. Some days I wish I could trade it for a better one. Walk right up to the big guy and ask for a refund. Who will I have left once everyone's gone? My parents? My sister? I'll have no one. Unless you count therapists but I don't. I'm not sure why but I think maybe it's because of the fact that therapists are 1. getting paid and 2. probably wouldn't look twice if seen on the street--Unfortunately, on the outside I'm not the kind of person you'd think of as a friend. I mean there are good ones who really mean it when they say that they care and then there are those who just don't want you to kill yourself while you're their patient. I met a couple of those types and never thought twice about leaving them. Lets just say I kept the one who seemed sincere. I think she's really proved to me that I'm not just another case among many. The only fault I have come across is that which I cherish dearly--punctuality. I am rarely late where my therapist is rarely on time. That's where I've lost a lot of my trust over the past few years. I've dropped people in a second for not being on time. They lose my respect--god knows why. I think it's because if they're not on time then I get scared that they aren't coming at all which I have also had a lot of experience with...unfortunately. I feel sick to my stomach. Maybe it's this day. It's been a hard day. Not as hard as yesterday and the day before...but still hard. On a scale of 1 to 10 I'm maybe a 6 today, whereas yesterday I was about a 5 and the day before that a 4. I haven't felt this bad since the hospital or maybe the two weeks before. I want to go back. Every day I want to go back. But Noel's not there so if I did go back, every day I'd want to go home. Well, I called Border's today about my interview and as it turns out, the guy who decides whether I get the job or not went on vacation for two weeks. He left an e-mail for another manager and they're supposed to call me back after they've looked at it. I want that job. 1. for the discount and 2. for the money, But my mother said she'd pay me to work at her office--seven dollars and hour as opposed to six-seventy-five at borders. I'm jealous of my friend from the hospital (like I mentioned before). I've wanted to weigh under 100lbs for quite some time now. I wouldn't want to weigh 99lbs because I'd worry myself to death over that one pound but 95lbs would probably be...incredible--the only word I could come up with. My mother asked me yesterday if I was okay--apparently she could see it in my face--but I didn't have the courage to tell her what was wrong. I wish I had, but she wouldn't understand. She has come to the conclusion that she is forever a size ten. I tried that once but it was unfortunately the most I had ever weighed in my life. Then I reach a size five and just above, or maybe just at, a size three. Now I'm back to my size seven jeans and I'm only unhappy because my size five jeans are thrown on the floor for me to see every day. Also, my chaps for riding aren't fitting me like they used to--the perfect way to tell if you've lost or gained weight. I see myself as looking like a blimp whereas those around me see themselves as just perfect. Why can't I feel that way? Why is it that everything I eat, every pound I gain, every riding lesson I miss, makes me feel all that much less than the general population. I'm weak. Strength comes from the numbers on the scale. the smaller they get, the more strength I have. I have to leave in forty-five minutes for another riding lesson. Just another rung on the latter towards self-respect. Right now I've barely stepped off the ground. Why do I always feel like eating? It never goes away, even when I have a stomach ache I feel like eating. It's just when I swallow food in this condition I find it was a horrible idea to eat more. I'm afraid. I'm always afraid of something. Today I'm afraid that I'll never be happy just being me. I'm never satisfied, and I never will be until I feel I've reached perfection. I've got to get that out of my head because right now I do know that I'll never reach it. I've been told this a million times in the past year and I still have trouble believing it. All the writing I've done in the past week has made me take another step towards the writing career and away from computer engineer. Computer engineer is still leading by about a billion but at least writing isn't completely out of the picture anymore. My writers' block seems to have taken a back seat to this thoughtful mind I seem to have acquired. I feel really hot. My mother says it's just because I called about my job interview this afternoon. I think I'm just hot. It's hot outside so it isn't totally bogus. I feel this need to get into some sort of fight with my friend so that when she leaves it won't be so hard on me. It just seems to come natural for me to do that. I always do that. It just makes everything so much easier--at least until I get angry with myself for letting people leave while we're in a fight. That guarantees that I'll never speak to them again. That's probably why I haven't kept in touch with my old friends--I left them while one or both of us was angry. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm only hurting myself when I do that. Anyhow, I've yapped on long enough and I have to get ready to ride so I'll write again later, maybe once I've cooled off a little bit. Happy friday the 13th. Do you hear the sarcasm in my voice??
Last update: 04-12-2006 08:12
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