|
like chinese water torture |
|
|
| Written by Diana, on 16-12-2004 00:40 |
|
|
|
|
I have to decide by Friday at 1pm if I'm going to let my therapist weight me. She wants to have an idea or something. I kind of faded out of the conversation when she started talking about wanting to do it that I can't remember if she wants to do it more than once, what the ultimate consequences of it will be if I don't weigh enough, or what that will actually involve. I remember commenting on how unfair it was that she got to know what I weighed and I didn't and there was more talk I don't remember. I've been thinking about it ever since and I keep trying to find someone to talk to about it but there really isn't anyone. Just me myself and I. I'm completely torn between saying no way in hell will I alow it and giving into the fact that the bones in my back seemed to appear out of nowhere in just two weeks time. I think this is the first time I've seen them like this. Part of me doesn't mind feeling like crap all the time as long as I disappear. The other part is sick of working so hard all the time and my thighs and butt just won't get smaller! I think the most realistic thought I have is that I'll never lose enough no matter how much I lose. Whether it's in realistic terms, I'm not sure really but it's my sister flicking my arm for an hour when we were kids like Chinese water torture. It's the flesh that always heals, though scarred, no matter how many times I abuse it. And then there's the fact that I don't want to lose my job. The sickening feeling that I'll live through this keeps me aware that there will still be bills to pay when it's all said and done. Healthy or not, the world will continue to turn and it charges for this privilege. I just want to sleep. I've been working out so much that I've been going to bed later and later. Tonight I cut it back down to the hour I started out with and add the time writing and the hour I took to examine myself in the mirror and the evening has quickly become morning. I'd better be off.
Last update: 16-12-2004 00:40
Users' Comments (0) 
|
|
|
