| Written by Diana, on 05-12-2004 19:43 |
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I've given up reading The Anorexia Diaries because I found it neither helpful, inspirational, or terribly heartfelt. Though I'm sure it's intention is to make me feel one of those things, my family isn't like that. I felt and continue to feel nothing but blinding rage toward my mother, and the girl in the book actually went to her mother when she started cutting (?) to say she was ready or something to go into the hospital. I was dragged kicking and screaming into therapy the first few times. "Family Therapy" during the first time I went into the hospital a year later, while forbidding my parents from visiting, was just my mother and I in my therapist's office one night accomplishing nothing and turning out a bit counter-productive. My parents are in complete denial that I couldn't just be cured overnight, they think that my food views are nothing less than ridiculous, and I should be greatful for all they've given me (material possessions-no meaning). My father meanwhile has hardly said a word about the whole thing and comes home weekends a casual observer, like he's watching a tv show my mother made him watch but never told him he had to actually pay attention and that he would have a test on it later. Like sitting in an English class where attendance alone gives you a passing grade. I hide in my room and lie that I'm doing things other than sleeping and exercising and avoiding the kitchen. Whether they believe me or not I don't really care. I'm on a mission. I intend this to be the year everyone finally sees my life for what it is via our annual Christmas Eve reunion. If, after the night's over, they wish to go on believing that I'm a happy, healthy, well provided for 22 year-old then that's their choice. And it will be my choice to not be burdened with the opinionated, uneducated freaks I'm related to. I'm sick of the flat out denial of problems in my family. If they're going to deny who I've been for most of my life then it's their loss. I'm not playing along anymore. I took two trazadone and two sonata last night and although I did stay in bed all today and yesterday except for all the exercising I did, I'm happy for the lack of thoughts running through my head. I had to go out and run errands and it was like no one was standing in line with me, there weren't other people in the isles at the grocery, there was just noisy air, not unlike the usual noise in my head that's there even when I actually am alone. My only real thoughts were about how frizzy my hair was getting in the rain. It wasn't too bad. No matter how hard I press my fingers together I can always see light between them, quite a large sliver of light actually. I'm a little scared that the food I ate today is going to turn straight into fat but the week is always easier and I haven't done my exercises yet tonight. I am far from being desperate enough to take laxies so I'll just have to sit with it, exercise, distract myself, and maybe I'll get through this okay. No cutting!!!! (she says to herself) It never really helps anyway and there are people to answer to if I do. It's really much more hassle than it's worth. Ever since the cat was ripped out from the bag it's harder to cut and get away with it.
Last update: 05-12-2004 19:43
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