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things I see no longer lie in front of me but inside |
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| Written by Diana, on 01-12-2003 22:03 |
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You know how when you're watching a scary movie and you know something scary is going to happen so you get all tense and hyperaware and maybe you cover your eyes with your hands or a pillow? That's how anxiety feels to me, except it's all the time, and the scary thing never happens, so I can never remove my hands from my eyes. I'm just waiting. Then you know how when you daydream, you just get lost in your thoughts, and you don't know you're lost until you're found? That's what flashbacks are like to me, except they aren't all daydreamy, they're real and they're scary and no matter what I do I can't make them go away, I can't predict them, or prevent them. Flashing color photos in my head, like an old timey movie missing frames. The things I see no longer lie in front of me but inside, somehow replacing my vision with endless photo pictures of my past. I hide in my car, in my cubicle at work, in my room at home. I wish I could say this prevents them but it doesn't. It keeps me alone and safe when they happen. I don't sleep, I don't eat, I don't leave my house except for work where I don't leave my desk. I want to cut, like I think it's going to make this all go away. I know it won't but it's a nice thought, a thought's been with me for days. I'm finally fading, the two Ativan I agreed to take the next four nights are kicking in, despite the soda I just downed. I guess I'm done for now.
Last update: 01-12-2003 22:03
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